does the absence of that “idolizing” wrong?
I adore my boyfriend… but I don’t idolize him the way I once idolized my ex, and it’s making me question myself.
I’m 24F and in a really healthy relationship with a man who treats me better than anyone I’ve dated before. We have more in common than I ever did with my ex, our communication is solid, and being with him is genuinely the best part of my day.
But there’s this quiet guilt I can’t shake. When I was younger, I worshipped my ex. I was obsessed — dazzled, starstruck just being around him — even though that relationship wasn’t healthy. He felt larger than life. I put him on a pedestal.
With my current boyfriend, it’s different. I love him deeply. I admire him. I respect him. But I don’t idolize him. He feels like a real person — grounded, caring, someone I truly value — not someone I’m constantly swooning over.
Part of me knows this might actually be a good thing. Maybe growing up means loving someone without that intense, unrealistic obsession. Maybe the reason I felt that way before was because I was younger, inexperienced, and romanticized everything.
Still, a small part of me worries… am I missing something? Is real love supposed to feel calm and steady instead of dizzy and overwhelming? Or does the absence of that “idolizing” feeling mean something is wrong?
It's common to wonder if not feeling that intense "idolizing" or starstruck sensation towards your partner means something is missing in your relationship. However, many relationship experts suggest that real, lasting love often feels calm, balanced, and grounded rather than dizzying or overwhelming. Idolizing someone usually involves putting them on a pedestal, which can be a sign of infatuation or even unhealthy obsession. When you idolize your partner, you may overlook their flaws and project unrealistic expectations, which can lead to disappointment or imbalance in the relationship. On the other hand, a relationship where you deeply love, admire, and respect your partner—without that intense idolization—is often healthier and more sustainable. This kind of love acknowledges your partner as a real, fallible person rather than an idealized figure. It’s a sign of emotional maturity to appreciate someone for who they truly are. As you grow and gain experience, your feelings may shift from passionate infatuation to steady affection. This evolution reflects a deeper connection built on trust, communication, and mutual respect. In fact, many long-term couples describe their love as a comforting presence rather than an overwhelming spell. If you're in a relationship where communication is open and your partner treats you with kindness and respect, the absence of idolizing feelings doesn't indicate a problem—it can be a marker of a healthy dynamic. Instead of obsessing over how you feel, focus on how your partner’s presence enriches your life and supports your well-being. Remember, every relationship is unique, and feelings can vary widely. What's important is that your love feels authentic and you feel valued, seen, and respected. The quiet confidence in a grounded partnership can be just as powerful—and much healthier—than the thrill of constant idolizing.
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