Papa died on my birthday
Those who know me, they would know that I was never close to my father - in fact, I even hated him a little.
Eversince I was a child, my father did not really act as a father figure. He was there but emotionally absent. He barely showed love, always angry, hitting me and my siblings. He put our whole family through so much. He made us suffer emotionally, physically, financially. I hated him.
That was until…
He died from cancer. On my birthday.
A little backstory:
I got married in 2023 and officially moved out of the house in 2024. My dad was the one who helped me the most with my moving. For once, I actually felt closer to him.
Sadly, about a month or two after I moved out, my father was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer. I couldn’t help but feel like it was my fault. During my move, he was already starting to complain of pain and weakness. But he still helped me anyways. He drove the lorry and helped me carry the heavy items.
Before he was diagnosed, I was still annoyed at him for complaining. He has a history of being unemployed for long periods of time due to his “laziness”.
But looking back, was he really lazy? Or did he have cancer this whole time and his body was tired from fighting it? This thought made me feel so much regret. His “laziness” was the main reason why I hated him previously. After my father passed, I can’t seem to forgive myself for ever feeling that way about him.
11/01/2025:
My father was admitted to the hospital few nights before due to difficulty breathing. His health started deteriorating ever since he was diagnosed. Treatments did not work but only made him worse.
As the family surrounded him in the hospital, my father took his last breath. I still remember that day so vividly. I felt so broken and hurt like never before. I was the one who hated him the most in my family, yet it seems like I was the one most affected. It felt like god was playing a joke on me. Of all days, he died on my birthday.
Soon, it will be a year since papa died. I am still grieving and miss him terribly. I learnt that we should be more forgiving of our loved ones. We may not know what they are going through.
I love you and I forgive you, papa. Please forgive me too for not ever appreciating you and loving you when you were around.
Dealing with the loss of a parent, especially under complex emotional circumstances, is profoundly challenging. My own experience resonates deeply with those who might feel anger or resentment alongside love and grief. When my father was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer, the reality of his illness slowly unfolded — and with it, a wave of mixed emotions that I struggled to understand. I remember seeing his strength fade as he endured the pain and fatigue cancer brings, yet he still found the will to support and care for his family. Witnessing this taught me an important lesson about not judging others too quickly. Sometimes what we attribute to laziness or indifference could be symptoms of silent battles they're fighting. During my father's hospitalization, surrounded by family, the final moments were incredibly tough but also enlightening. It forced me to reflect on forgiveness—not just for him, but for myself. Regret can feel overwhelming, particularly when we realize we didn’t fully appreciate the people we love until it’s too late. Grieving is not linear. It's filled with ups and downs, and it sometimes resurfaces unexpectedly, especially on significant dates like birthdays or anniversaries. For me, sharing my story openly has been part of my healing process. It’s a reminder to everyone navigating grief: you are not alone, and it’s okay to seek support. I encourage anyone going through similar pain to reach out to friends, support groups, or counseling services. Expressing your feelings rather than bottling them up can be incredibly therapeutic. Honoring the memory of a loved one while forgiving them and yourself can slowly bring peace and acceptance. Lastly, this journey emphasized how vital it is to cherish each moment with the people around us. Life is fragile, and understanding that can inspire us to show compassion and patience, even during difficult times. I hope my story helps others embrace forgiveness and find strength amidst grief.
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