Wrote this before I lost my Her…

I was forced to grow up way too quickly. You stole my innocence and my childhood, two things I can never recover.  

A mother’s love is supposed to be unconditional and pure.  This is what society has shown me, but not what I have seen for myself. 

To be completely honest, I wouldn't even count what we have a relationship. 

All I ever wanted was your love and attention, but I suppose that’s too much to ask for because I can’t recall ever feeling loved or paid attention to. 

Only a chosen few knew about the battles behind closed doors that I fight every day. 

No one sees my breakdowns, sees me cringe when you call, hears the yelling, cursing and screaming. 

It’s always a battle for control. 

I do not suppose you have realized how much your decisions have truly impacted me and my entire life, in general, decisions that have hurt me to my very core and existence, even today. 

I have attempted to undo the damage; however, some things when broken can never be fixed, unfortunately. 

There was a time when I wanted to be just like you until I grew up and swore to myself to never be the mother you were to me. 

At one point I even worshiped the ground you walked on and you were the center of my universe. A child is programmed to love their parents unconditionally, and that's what I did.

The thing is, I know about the cruelty you suffered growing up, the yelling, abuse, neglect, and abandonment issues. 

I refuse to carry any resentment for the things that have occurred in my own upbringing against you. 

You were only using the tools you were provided; you had no clue they were broken.

I understand that being a single parent is challenging, but I also realized now that the way I was raised is something no child should ever endure. 

You were supposed to protect me from the evil of this world. Instead, you did the complete opposite and exposed me to it wholly.  

Abuse isn’t always physical; sometimes it can smash you down emotionally and mentally. 

The thing about parenting is most times the lesson we take from our own parents is more of a guideline of how not to raise a child rather than a model to follow.

While I don't think you ever purposely meant to hurt me, I do know you resented me because you had me at such a young age forcing you to grow up quickly.  

You were punishing me for things I had no control over. 

One day you will wake up and recognize what exactly it is that you have lost. 

You will be swallowed with the regret you have been repressing for years.  

It definitely wasn't easy— growing up in a toxic environment filled with fighting, abuse, disappointments, and crying.

But now, all I have to say is thank you.  Don't get me wrong, I still get fairly upset about you here and there, but I wouldn't be the person I am today without your help.

As a young girl, I never realized the impact of your words. I didn’t recognize how deep they dug their way into my subconscious, finding a home there. 

I began to hate myself just for existing. 

So, thank you for teaching me how to see everyone’s side of a story. I'm still hurt that you left, but I can't blame you when your mother did the exact same thing to you. 

You really never knew any better. To you, that is what all moms did.

There are a lot of things that I thought I couldn't do without a mother. You taught me how to move on. I’ve proved to myself that I can overcome any obstacle thrown at me. 

Thank you for teaching me to be a fighter, despite how many times someone knocks me down, always get back up.

As harsh as it sounds, you taught me that I don’t want to be anything like you when I grow up and I never will be.

In a roundabout way, you taught me the kind of parent I want to be.

I want nothing more than to be there for my kids, no matter what. I never want my child to feel as though they were a mistake. I want them to know that I love them. 

I’d like to think I can be the one to finally end this long harsh legacy of toxicity and trauma which began generations ago.

You’ve missed some of the most important years of my life, something you can never get back.

I can only hope that one day you will come to your senses, and get help. Maybe one day you can try to mend the many bridges you’ve burned. And if you don’t try to mend those bridges, I’ll try my best to accept and understand your choices. 

I've learned that life isn't always easy but you have to take the best from every situation.

Just remember, in the end, it’s your loss and not mine.

#Mom #Choices #Trauma #Generations #Toxic #Healing #Pain #Childhood #abusivemother #lemon8diarychallenge