EP15: Caught Between my Parent and Partner
Context: what is he supposed to do now? They have been together for three years, and the relationship has always been great. They’ve never had a big fight. But there’s one huge problem between them: his parents.
Start of his Story:
What kind of people are my mom and dad? They’ve been extremely strict with me since I was a kid, basically almost everything I do needed their approval, in this working life, we call it being micro managed.
To show you what I mean, here’s something that happened.
Last year Mother’s Day, my mom got my girlfriend’s number from my phone. And on Mother’s Day, she actually called my girlfriend… to ask for gifts.
My girlfriend was really nice, she ordered flowers and gift sent to my home for my mom. Which eventually led to a huge fight between me and my mom because I don’t think it’s right to contact my girlfriend behind my back, moreover to ask for gifts.
Then, around our two-year anniversary, my mom found out my girlfriend has an older brother and that her family is pretty well to do.
And once my parents learned that, they suddenly started planning for my marriage, but their “plan” was that her parents should be the one paying for most of the wedding necessities, such as wedding banquet, Chinese wedding gifts etc and my family would contribute nothing, simply because they can afford it.
I haven’t told my girlfriend about that. I don’t even know how to bring it up. But now I’m struggling with another problem.
My mom’s birthday is coming up, and she wants to invite my girlfriend for dinner. And I already know exactly what will happen:
She’ll bring up marriage and push the idea that the banquet, everything, should be paid for by my girlfriend’s family.
I don’t want my girlfriend to go. But I can’t bring myself to say, “I’d rather you not go,” because that sounds terrible too.
So… in my situation, what am I supposed to do?
Being caught between parental expectations and your partner's feelings is a tough position to be in, and many can relate to this struggle. From personal experience, I've learned that open communication with your partner is essential before addressing issues with your parents. For instance, sharing your concerns about your parents' behavior—including unexpected calls or gift requests—helps your partner feel supported rather than blindsided. It's also important to consider setting healthy boundaries with parents, especially when their involvement crosses into personal decisions like wedding finances. In some cultures, parents play significant roles in wedding planning, but expecting your partner's family to bear the entire cost can cause resentment. Discussing these financial plans transparently with both families can prevent misunderstandings. In cases where your parents wish to invite your partner to events like birthdays but plan to bring up sensitive topics such as marriage or financial obligations, having a preemptive conversation with your parents might help. Politely but firmly expressing your discomfort with turning family gatherings into such discussions could set the right tone. Ultimately, maintaining respect for both your parents and your partner while advocating for your own boundaries requires patience and diplomacy. Remember, prioritizing your relationship's health is just as important as honoring family ties. Seeking advice from trusted friends or counselors can provide additional perspectives and support during these delicate situations.
Are you working and independent enough to stay on your own? at a certain age, a man needs to cut his umbilical cord to your mother. We will always respect them as our parents. Respect does not mean blind obedience. Respect does not mean being a slave to their wishes. And if your mother insists on controlling your entire life, you have a choice. Be a mother’s boy for rest of your life and be alone. Or be a man and find a partner and raise your own family. You can’t do both!!!