My First Night as a Mom
Water bag burst at 3am.
Delivered at 3pm.
Moved to ward by 6pm.
Husband left at 8pm.
Left alone with baby until 10am.
I had the luxury of sleeping by the window.
Recalling vividly the heavy rain outside, feeling the cold breeze weaving in as I slowly feel the epidural wear off.
My stitches started to hurt, I was unable to move due to a leg injury during delivery,
unable to lie down but sitting didn’t feel any better, as it keeps pressure on all the wrong areas.
In the midst of the pain, all I could remember hearing were sounds of other moaning mothers and crying babies.
I looked across me and a mom was trying to latch her baby whilst I looked on, feeling an instant mom guilt for not trying hard enough.
I just sat and stared aback and forth between my baby and the clock, trying to count down till husband gets here.
I felt lonely so lonely , drowning in pain and in fear that baby would cry and I won’t be able to reach him fast enough so that it wouldn’t bother others.
Heck, I was so afraid to even hold him , let alone carry and soothe him.
All I did the entire night was sing to him, and little pats to let him know I’m here.
And somehow as if he understood , we stayed in silence basking in each other’s presence. Letting the fear of the unknown future to the next day instead.
I didn’t feel the instant love. I didn’t have the realisation of being a mom. I didn’t immediately want to do all things right for the baby. I felt lost as a person , and that was okay. It’s okay to just sit and take it a day at a time. Just like how I did for the past 39 weeks pregnant , a step at a time.
Many new mothers find their first night alone with their newborn to be a complex mix of emotions, much like the experience described here. The reality of childbirth and early motherhood often differs sharply from the idealized images portrayed in media. Physical discomfort, such as stitches and limited mobility after delivery, can compound emotional challenges, making it difficult to fully connect with the baby immediately. During that initial night, the fear of not responding quickly enough to a crying baby or worrying about disturbing others is common. This can lead to feelings of loneliness and anxiety, despite the joyous event. However, sharing small moments like singing quietly or gentle pats can build a unique bond between mother and child, laying the foundation for a deep, lifelong connection. It’s important to acknowledge that instant love or instinctive motherhood feelings may not come right away, and that’s perfectly normal. Many new mothers experience moments of uncertainty or guilt when comparing themselves to others, but taking it one step at a time is key. The process of becoming a mom is gradual and involves both physical healing and emotional adjustment. In my own experience, having support—even if intermittent, like brief visits from family or healthcare staff—made a significant difference. But even during solitary moments, self-compassion and patience helped ease the transition. Creating a calm environment, using simple soothing techniques, and focusing on the presence shared with the baby provided reassurance. Remember, each mother’s journey is unique; it’s okay to not feel ready or fully in control at first. If you find yourself in a similar situation, consider reaching out to other new moms or support groups. Sharing experiences can reduce feelings of isolation and help you understand that challenges and mixed emotions are part of this life-changing chapter. Taking care of yourself emotionally and physically is just as important as caring for your newborn. Ultimately, this story reminds all new mothers that it’s okay to start motherhood imperfectly. What matters most is the willingness to keep moving forward, one day—and one night—at a time.
Thank you for being so real and raw. Not everything is rainbow and butterflies. It’s when the chaos calms and the dust settles that feels the scariest. You’ve got this ❤️