The Rebuilt Series No.3
Many people don’t understand how trauma survivors actually feel about manipulation. They assume we’re resentful because we were played: sad, ashamed, or disappointed. But there is something else that matters deeply: justice. Justice lives in truth, and truth surfaces when we stop obsessing over their manipulations and instead see them as they are.
In this piece, I strip away the intellectual façade that some abusers so desperately built by stealing from others and projecting their own garbage. Are they true strategists? Do their behavior patterns really support the image they have of themselves? Where are the real limits of their capacity?
Here’s a blind spot that is rarely discussed: many of them would rather you believe they are manipulative than incompetent, because manipulation still implies a kind of superiority that keeps you feeling powerless. Think of a time when you were in the middle of a conversation, and suddenly, they started shaming, judging, raging, criticizing you unnecessarily harshly, or shutting you down with something irrelevant that hit hard emotionally (or even physically, if you’re dealing with a caveman loser). What do you think is really happening in that moment?
They don’t understand it, and/or they are ready to steal it. Many abusers I’ve spoken with are mediocre at best. They struggle to understand concepts, context, or nuance, so they partner with more capable people to steal their insight and bluff others… I broke down what they possibly feel and think there, based on real-life, long-term observations and interactions.
Therefore, every time we frame them as master manipulators and ourselves as helpless victims, we make them look more powerful and more intelligent than they really are.
As usual, I share some strategies that have helped me, especially thought reframing and perspective shifting. Most importantly, I’ve learned that whether we’re seeking revenge or future protection, the foundation always lies within ourselves, not in how well we understand them.
*What is the Rebuilt Series? Like many adults coming from a dysfunctional family, having gone through an abusive early social group, and/or having survived SA and DV, I’ve heard too much unsolicited advice, judgment, and preaching when seeking support. So much more than understanding. Rather than reassurance, this series shares the vocabulary, strategies, and clarity that I’ve gained over time.
*Note: this content is for general informational purposes only and is not intended as advice.
*Announcement: The video version of weekly articles is coming soon! So you can “watch” the full article.
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From my own experience and conversations within trauma healing communities, one important realization is that the perceived power of abusers often comes more from the lens we view them through than from their actual capabilities. Many abusers rely heavily on impulsivity and a lack of nuanced understanding, meaning their abusive behavior is less about masterful manipulation and more about insecurities and survival mechanisms. This shift in perception helped me reclaim my power: instead of feeling trapped by their actions or smarter moves, I started to see their limitations clearly. In practical terms, recognizing this has allowed me to redirect my energy inward—focusing on self-healing, rebuilding my self-worth, and creating boundaries based on my needs rather than fear or perceived threats. By reframing these interactions, what once felt like moments of personal failure transformed into opportunities to reinforce my autonomy. Another helpful strategy is mindful detachment from the abuser’s projected narratives. When they attempt to shame or criticize (often to cover their own confusion or incompetence), I remind myself that these tactics are rooted in their own projections and fears. This mindset was vital for reducing self-blame and reclaiming my emotional stability. Ultimately, this approach is about reclaiming one's narrative: understanding that justice for trauma survivors is found in the truth of seeing others as they truly are—not in fixating on their manipulations or the pain inflicted. This clarity empowered me to heal more deeply and begin rebuilding a life defined by my values and resilience rather than by past abuse.
