POV: I’m a Flying Monkey. Here’s Why YOUR Boundary Became MY Problem.
POV: I’m a Flying Monkey. Here’s Why YOUR Boundary Became MY Problem.
Sometimes people fight your boundary because your boundary changed more than your relationship with the narcissist.
It changed theirs too.
Now they’re getting the angry calls. Now they’re dealing with the fallout. Now the family system doesn’t work the way it used to.
So “heal the family” can sometimes really mean:
Go back to your old role so the rest of us don’t have to deal with what changed when you left it.
Your boundary may not be unreasonable.
It may just be inconvenient for people who benefited from you not having one.
If their reaction has you wondering whether you’re being triggered or whether their behavior is actually inconsistent, take the free Triggered or Inconsistent Diagnostic.
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From my own experience, establishing boundaries in relationships affected by narcissistic abuse can feel like stepping into a battlefield. What I found particularly challenging was not the boundary itself, but the ripple effect it caused within the family system. The term "Flying Monkey" refers to those who unknowingly or consciously act to maintain the narcissist's control—often by resisting your rightful boundaries. When I first set my boundary, it indeed felt justified and necessary for my healing. However, the reaction from others—those who once benefited from my lack of boundaries—was unexpectedly hostile. It wasn’t just about my relationship with the narcissist anymore; it altered the dynamics for the whole family. Suddenly, calls of anger and manipulation were redirected towards me, as if I were the source of disruption. What helped me was recognizing that their discomfort was tied to their own resistance to change rather than the validity of my boundaries. Understanding this helped me stand my ground without internalizing their reactions as a reflection of my choices. Healing the family often means helping others adjust, but it does not require returning to old roles that compromise your well-being. For others facing similar challenges, I recommend taking time to assess whether others’ responses trigger your insecurities or truly signal inconsistent behavior. Tools like the "Triggered or Inconsistent Diagnostic"—mentioned in the community—can offer clarity. Ultimately, setting boundaries, especially in toxic environments, is a powerful act of self-care and transformation. It’s crucial to remain compassionate to yourself and aware that the discomfort others feel may stem from their reliance on the status quo, not your new path.
