Half here, half there
This is a very hard topic for me to talk about but my coping mechanism is to write, journal etc. so here I am in hopes of meeting like-minded individuals with similar experiences.
My previous post about marriage got some attention and it seemed to relate to a bunch of you. Safe to say that marriage isn't easy, especially at this time and age and especially so if communication is absent most of the marriage.
My parents are getting a divorce, now in their early 60s and i'm in my early 30s. Never expected to land in this shit hole but here I am. Lawyers engaged, ready to split the assets, suddenly forced to sell my childhood home, it all happened in a flash with no space for negotiations. The divorce process is ugly no matter how much you try to sugarcoat it. It doesn't matter how much love, how lovely the memories were. The ugly sides will always find its way through. She'll be talking about how he did not communicate with her and he'll be talking about how she did not treat him as a husband and here we are as adult children, picking up the pieces.
My parents' marriage were on the rocks for many years. Divorce is actually a matter of time. They have been living separate lives for almost 6 years. Ngl, my mom has been the sole breadwinner since my dad's exit and providing for us her whole life - i'm forever grateful for that.
My dad on the other hand was absent most times, from when we were in our early teens but no doubt, I had one of the best childhood. My dad has a soft spot for animals, he would bring us to farms to play with chicks and ducklings, feed the monkeys at MacRitchie reservior and feed the turtles over at Macdonals at Queensway. He was overall kind to me and my brother and there were many fond memories.
I'm the oldest child and, naturally they would lean towards trusting me with this divorce procedure and help them with the administratives. I have now become a middleman between my dad and mom. My dad wants to get this divorce procedure over quickly and agreed to meet me (not my mom) to talk about his terms. I haven't seen him in over 2 years. I do send him messages for his birthdays, new years and update him on my daughter which he has never seen since she was a newborn and she's now 4.
I feel emotional, i don't feel brave enough but i have to. i really want to find out what he has been doing the past few years. i want to still be a part of his life even after the divorce. i still want to be able to take care of him. He has drifted away from us for far too long and for the number of years he was away, we don't know where he lives, who he was with or what he does. He refuses to tell us no matter how much we ask and he chooses to isolate.
I hope that he knows we care for him and that my mom agrees to this divorce because we know he's tired of living in rental flats and is desperate for money. He just want a place of his own. The relationship is irreconcilable anyway and the both of them can finally have a proper closure with this. This honestly sucks but at the end of the day, we want the both of them to be happy with the outcome.
Going through a parental divorce in adulthood brings an unexpected mix of emotions and responsibilities. When my own parents separated after many years together, I found myself caught in a whirlwind of feelings—grief, confusion, hope, and responsibility. It’s important to recognize that divorce at any age can have significant emotional damage, not just for the couple but also for their children, who often become reluctant intermediaries. What helped me cope was journaling and openly sharing my experiences with others who understood the pain of marital breakdown. Communication failures, as seen in my parents’ marriage, can erode even the strongest bonds, and it’s common for spouses to feel isolated despite years spent together. I realized that adult children often carry the weight of trying to mediate between divorced parents while safeguarding their own emotional well-being. On a practical level, managing legal proceedings and decisions like selling a childhood home adds stress and a sense of loss. But navigating these challenges requires patience and clear boundaries. It’s crucial to maintain self-care habits—whether that’s connecting with friends, seeking counseling, or setting aside personal time—to stay resilient during such an upheaval. Maintaining a relationship with both parents after divorce, especially when one is distant or isolated, demands empathy and consistent efforts at communication. Small gestures, like sending updates or holiday wishes, can slowly rebuild trust and keep the connection alive. Understanding that each parent must find happiness separately can ease tension and promote long-term healing. For those in similar situations, it's helpful to remember that you’re not alone. Seeking out communities or support groups centered on marriage struggles and divorce journeys can provide comfort and advice. While the process is emotionally taxing and sometimes ugly, it can also lead to new beginnings and healthier family dynamics.
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