I’m struggling in every way.
(A picture of me rarely feeling pretty. When most of the time I don’t feel nor look that way all the time.)
I’m engaged.
I am not happy here.
I am a sahm and no real ways to earn money.
I find myself staying on my phone for hours and away from my kids.
Not because I don’t want to be with them. I do.
It’s because I am just not happy with my life.
My engagement ring feels like a prison. My home feels like solitude.
I’m having a hard time breathing.
I barely leave my house and I don’t really have friends.
I’m trying. I have a picture in my head, of a life outside of Florida with my kids.
A home, small but cozy. A job that pays the bills.
No partner. No 5 dogs. I love them but I am stuck taking care of all of them.
I feel like I’m suffocating again. Drowning deep in the middle of a lake with no signs of escape.
I’m becoming weaker.
My faith barely holding on after the loss of my mother.
It’s almost gone. Almost erased like I feel I have been.
I don’t want to do anything.
But at the same time I do.
I want to thrive and be happy.
I DESERVE to be happy.
My kids deserve me happy.
But I don’t even know where to start.
What was once so meaningful. So beautiful. So peaceful.
Has become my living nightmare.
I try to see the beauty in my life.
I try to find small bits of happiness in it.
But it’s washed away by his attitude.
He painted it black.
I’m stuck and he knows it.
I have nothing. He laughs at it.
I am suffering and he ensures it continues.
No means of anything.
He’s smart. Doesn’t text/email/write anything down that could be used against him.
He’s smart. Doesn’t put his hands on me.
He’s smart. Knows the best way to tear someone down is with words.
He’s smart. Knows when to hone into my insecurities.
I won’t let him see me break.
But we both know it’s coming.
I save face for my children.
But they can see the pain I’m suffering.
It isn’t fair. It isn’t right.
There isn’t an end in my sight.
For tonight I’ll take a breath.
I’ll close my eyes and rest.
Tomorrow is a brand new day.
I’ll try and take a step.
#Lemon8Diary #strugglingmom #vulnerable #embracevulnerability #unfiltered #abusiverelationship #mentalhealth #mentalhealthjourney #happyyourehere
Being a stay-at-home mom can often lead to feelings of isolation and unhappiness, especially when juggling personal aspirations with family duties. It's easy to feel trapped in the routine, where your needs and desires seem to take a back seat. Many mothers find themselves questioning their circumstances, longing for personal fulfillment outside the home while also striving to be present for their children. Facing an abusive relationship further complicates these emotions, impacting mental health deeply. Understanding these feelings is crucial. Mental health resources, support groups, and online communities can provide valuable advice and connections. Setting small, achievable goals for personal growth, like seeking a hobby, pursuing further education, or even small entrepreneurial projects, can open doors to newfound happiness and purpose. Discussing feelings of vulnerability and seeking help is a strong step toward healing. Whether talking to friends, family, or professionals, you deserve to prioritize your mental wellness. In this journey, remember to acknowledge your resilience—Moments of struggle can transform into powerful opportunities for personal change and happiness. Take one step at a time; tomorrow is indeed a new day, filled with chances to embrace joy and foster the life you envision. Your well-being is vital not just for you but also for your children who benefit from seeing a happy mom.
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