How My Dad Broke Me First
Just a little #storytime 📚📖 and reasoning as to why I’m so closed off using lyrics for something I don’t talk about openly but should.
Just like Megan Moroney’s song ‘Girl in the Mirror’ I related to the lyrics on a whole other level but instead of a boy it’s my dad.
“The girl in the mirror
She's lost her damn mind
She's gotten too used to
Cryin' all the time
He puts her down
She puts him pedestal high”
&
“She looks just like me but I don't recognize her
She's got the same eyes but they're heavy and tired
He just walked out and she's standing right here”
I relate to these two the most because my dad, although still playing a huge part in my life, broke my heart before any boy ever could. I’ve been let down by so much of my family and for the longest time it was just the two of us against the world, then he got married. He slipped away slowly from me and made me feel like I was just a pawn in the long run, not a part of the family he was creating with my stepmom.
I remember so many memories that there’s proof of happening that I think of all the time to try and keep me from losing more of my mind, but he always says I’m making them up in my mind. He refers to my stepmom and siblings as “his family” not “our family” and it makes me feel 10x worse.
It’s hard to imagine that the happy girl in the first picture exists anywhere ever because I’ve been forced to smile since I was 8 years old like in the second picture. I can’t tell you the last time I’ve heard him say he’s proud of me or loves me or wants me around unless I ask or say it first and that makes it hurt more.
The heartbreak of losing the one parent that stuck around is a different type of pain that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I cry in my car before I walk into work because that’s when I get the most of the talking down from my dad (my weight, working, school, not meeting his standards, etc.) so I have everything ready in my car to fix it before I go into work.
That first girl looks just like me but I don’t recognize her because all I know is the girl with the eyes that are heavy and tired.
BUT…I’ve been working so so hard to be genuinely happy again or what I know it is now at this point in my life to be happy and I’m slowly getting there. I’ve learned to be proud of myself and everything I’m doing/achieving, even if no one tells me I know what I’m doing. I know what I don’t want because of this experience. But he’s my dad and I love him so I have to thank him in a way, if it weren’t for the past 13 years I wouldn’t be where I am or know what I know.
I’ve lost my damn mind but haven’t we all at some point?
#growingup #youngerme #Lemon8Diary #childhoodtrauma #youngadult
The impact of parental relationships can deeply affect emotional well-being. Many children grow up feeling like mere participants in their parents' lives, often longing for validation and love. This story resonates with common themes of childhood trauma, particularly when a parent remarries or expands their family. It's crucial to address these feelings of isolation and invisibility, as they shape a child's self-worth and ability to connect with others. Coping mechanisms, such as journaling or participating in support groups, can assist in processing these emotions. Moreover, authentic connections with peers who have faced similar experiences can foster healing and empowerment. Articles and discussions surrounding the importance of mental health and family dynamics highlight the need for open dialogues about emotional struggles. Engaging with content related to overcoming childhood trauma can provide reassurance and tools for those feeling lost in their relationships. Therapy and self-care practices, including mindfulness and self-acceptance, play critical roles in reclaiming one's identity and happiness. Remember, while navigating difficult familial relationships can be painful, there is always hope for personal growth and healing.
I am SO proud of you and everything you have done, are doing and will do Bailey!