I’m about to be so real with you…🫶
***!!!! TRIGGER WARNING: TALKS OF ED !!!!***
I made this photo my Linkedin profile picture. Since then, I’ve noticed an increase in traffic: recruiters reaching out, more people checking my profile…etc. The main difference between this photo and the one I had prior was about 40 pounds.
Not going to lie, this hurts. I’m the same person I was before losing the weight. I’m the same employee. My work ethic is the same. My resume is the same. My education is the same. It’s been other things, too: accounts send me more business now, coworkers talk to me more, and people are just nicer.
It took me a long time to realize and admit that I have an eating disorder. It started when I was in high school. I would eat 500 calories a day on top of doing competitive cheer, track, and cross country. I thought it was normal. When people would ask me how I lost the weight I would tell them, “I just don’t eat.” I wore it as a medal. A badge of honor. I was even PRAISED for it. It felt good.
I gained weight once I got to college. Then even more weight throughout the span of an awful four year relationship. I wasn’t totally unhappy with my body and the weight I had gained. I just knew that the person I saw in the mirror wasn’t the person my husband had agreed to marry. I tried to talk to him about my feelings. I told him the only time I truly had a handle on my weight was in high school, but I had to starve myself to get there. I’ll never forget the words he said back to me, “just do what you did back then.” It had the opposite effect on me. I found comfort in food. I was in a deep depression. It didn’t last for long, though. The relationship came to end and something snapped. I found comfort in starving myself. The one thing I could control. I wanted people to like me again and my looks always seemed to be the catalyst to yield that outcome. My mental health spiraled.
In 2018 I was diagnosed with PCOS. It wasn’t until I did my own research that I found a study that suggests women with PCOS are at increased odds of having abnormal ED scores and specific ED diagnoses. When I turned 28, I finally got a diagnosis of ADHD. Did you know that many studies gave reported that ADHD is linked with EDs? I felt like I might eventually heal knowing that there is help out there.
I’m turning 30 on February 22. For the first time ever, I feel that I have relationship with food that is more positive than negative. I eat without feeling guilty. I eat sweets without feeling like I need to punish myself the next day. That is a freeing feeling.
I still have my moments, though. For instance, being treated differently after my weight loss almost validates my intrusive thoughts. In a way it tells me that I had a right to do whatever necessary to lose weight. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I can’t even tell a difference because I see the person that weighs 215 pounds. I’m the same person. The thoughts can be so overpowering at times. It can be so hard to look at the scale and say, “enough is enough.” The urge to lose more weight will always be there in the back of my mind. My mind is so good at distorting reality and it’s imperative that I remember that.
I thought I would share my experience with you all as a way of admitting to my problem—as a way to help me process and heal further. It’s almost as if my disordered eating habits are an addiction. I get high watching the numbers on a scale decline. I don’t know that they will ever fully go away. I would love to know if you struggle with the same thing? How do you overcome it? Let’s normalize sharing our experiences to help one another.
**disclaimer**
a year and four months ago I was prescribed Mounjaro for insulin resistant PCOS. I truly feel that this is something that has helped my ED tremendously. A lot of the chatter in my mind revolving around food doesn’t happen anymore. I also feel that this has normalized a lot of the issues I had maintaining a healthy weight (for me, everyone is different) due to PCOS. If you have the same issues, I would recommend speaking with your MD about this.
Struggling with eating disorders is a more common issue than many realize, with various societal pressures contributing to the problem. Many individuals often feel trapped in a cycle of weight loss and body image issues. Factors such as competition in academics, social media influence, and dating norms frequently exacerbate these feelings. Research indicates a significant connection between eating disorders (ED) and mental health conditions like ADHD and PCOS. These disorders can feed into negative self-perception and unhealthy habits. Moreover, the psychological distress linked to weight stigmatization can prevent one from seeking help or engaging in healthier lifestyle choices. It's crucial to promote awareness and support for those facing these challenges. Encouraging open dialogue about body image and recovery can aid in creating a community where individuals feel understood and supported. Programs centered on mental health education can play a pivotal role in prevention and recovery. Support from healthcare professionals can help individuals find the right approaches for healing. Tools like mindfulness, therapy, and balanced nutrition can facilitate recovery while fostering a more positive body image. Let's work together to normalize discussions around food and mental health, supporting one another on the journey to self-acceptance.
I'm sorry this happened to you. Seriously, it's the worst feeling. I'm on the other end: Ive gained so much weight back and I noticed that people treated me differently immediately. It’s sad, but just the truth. I’m so insecure about where I’m at, but give myself grace. Give yourself some too! You’re gorgeous ❤️