Deconstructing… maybe? 🪫💔
Hey all. This is an extremely hard post to make, please bear with me and have mercy on me. All advice is welcome, but please try to understand that this isn’t an active choice I’m making to go through this.
I’ve been Christian all my life, I was raised non denominational / Baptist. In 2021, I became a devout Catholic - I was baptized, confirmed, and received communion. Ever since, I have frequented confession, tried my best to follow all the rules, and tried to have a great connection/relationship with God. I even read the entire Bible and the entire catechism of the Catholic Church. For years, Catholicism has been the very core of my identity.
I married a devout catholic man and we have a two year old daughter that is also being raised as a devout catholic. Things have been going great spiritually… until they stopped.
For the last two-ish months, my usual doubts have deepened into questions that I now need answers to. For so long I have been able to “submit my will to the church” as they say. Even when things didn’t make sense, I was able to spend extra time in prayer and things would feel comfortable again. Not this time.
It began with the questioning of hell: does it exist? Is it eternal? How could a supposed infinitely loving God allow people to go there? These questions all have answers, sure, but none of them have been able to appease me as of recently. These questions expanded, more questions came, and all of a sudden I feel as if my faith is a ball of yarn that keeps rolling and unwinding. The answers I’m given, even by our spiritual leaders, aren’t enough for me anymore. The questions are never genuinely answered by convincing responses, and I feel lost. Some would say I am choosing to reject the answers, but that can’t be further from the truth.
it’s as if I can’t stop the train… and it’s so scary. I have no idea where it leads, I have no idea what I’m going to lose [or gain] along the way. Catholicism is the very core of even my family’s identity and if I don’t have that, then what? This faith that’s been so strong for so long has been my lifeline.
I can either admit to myself that I don’t believe what I thought I did and accept the familial turmoil and tension especially with my husband, or I can act as if nothing has changed and continue pretending to believe something that I might not even believe at all… neither of these options seem appealing. This is indeed the hardest thing I have ever done.
What I believe is not certain - there are elements of my faith that I know I will retain, like the presence of a higher power and the certainty of the spiritual realm. I just can’t reconcile to myself many of the common Christian / Catholic doctrines anymore, and I don’t know where to go from here. This is so hard for me to admit out loud.
I know there are going to be many thoughts about this post, ranging from “I’m glad you realized” to “you fell out of grace with god and you will suffer for it”. I’m sure there will be immense disappointment from those closest to me who see this post. I may even lose some long time friends. Please believe me when I say that I didn’t choose this. Everything would be so much easier if I could just believe again, and carry on like normal. I want nothing more than to just go back to normal, but this suffocates my every thought, day in and day out - awake and asleep.
Please have mercy on me, pray for me, and allow me to exist as I am so I can figure this out… I mean, there are countless philosophers in every belief, every religion. How silly it would be for me to think I could figure out the truth when even they cannot agree. Please don’t approach this vulnerable post as if the “right answer” is “obvious”. If it was, I wouldn’t be here talking about this hard journey. I wish it was obvious. If you have that mindset, please don’t comment.
This time is fearful and upsetting. I need strength.
Deconstructing one's faith can be a deeply unsettling experience, often leading individuals to grapple with core beliefs and familial ties. This process, known as faith deconstruction, typically involves questioning long-held doctrines and the responsibilities tied to them. For many, it begins when life's circumstances force them to re-evaluate what they once accepted blindly, leading to a renaissance of thought and self-discovery. It's not just about losing faith; it's about exploring the essence of beliefs, understanding the complexities of spirituality, and confronting the fears surrounding identity and community expectations. Many grapple with similar feelings—fear of judgment, anxiety about potential fallout with loved ones, and guilt over perceived abandonment of faith. Engaging with these emotions can be overwhelming but also transformative as individuals seek to define their spirituality on their own terms. This introspection often leads to renewed questions about the nature of God, the concept of hell, and what true faith means amidst struggles. Many who embark on this journey discover that it's okay not to have all the answers right away; the process of questioning can itself be a path toward deeper understanding and connection. As you navigate through your own spiritual landscape, remember that seeking support from communities or individuals who have shared similar experiences can provide valuable insights. Dialogues—open and empathetic—around faith deconstruction, whether online or in person, can pave the way for healing and affirmation as you seek to define what spirituality means to you personally.
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