Adult Friendships Are so Complicated
I’m the Fringe Friend ™️.
I have significant struggles with panic disorder. I avoid events and public functions often even when I desperately want to go because I have no control over if/when it’s going to happen and I’m terrified of being seen as the Dramatic Friend ™️, or the Attention-Seeking Friend ™️, or the Friend That Ruins Everyone’s Good Time. So I am the friend that stays on the fringe of things.
Panic attacks are ugly and scary. It feels like I can’t breathe, like I’m dying. I get weak in my legs, I get so dizzy I have to sit. I don’t cry but I do sob hysterically. I have thrown up as well. It’s nasty business and not ideal for public situations. Or group settings in general, really. The prescription meds I have to help this put me on my ass. So, to avoid being the Drugged-Out Train wreck Friend ™️, I remain on the fringe.
Being the Fringe Friend ™️ means I avoid making everyone uncomfortable. Or annoyed. I avoid having my friends think “oh Jesus here she goes again.” Or “She’s always gotta make it about her.” But being the Fringe Friend ™️ also means sometimes it’s easier to save your breath and not invite me because we all know I’m very likely to not go or to bail at the last minute.
It means hearing “I haven’t seen you in months.” And “I fucking miss you dude.” And “So much has happened, you missed a lot.” And “oh, I forgot you weren’t here for that.”
It means seeing your friend group, more often than not, from the outermost edge. Looking in from the outside. Like they have this beautiful bubble around them that keeps them close and connected, and it’s really better for everyone that me & my mess stay out here.
I’m ok with being that friend. I worry, constantly, that eventually my friends will tire of me rarely showing up. Or they’ll finally be done with me not responding to texts for months. Which is completely valid 😅 I can’t imagine how obnoxious it’s got to be to have a Fringe Friend ™️. But I promise, your fringe friend loves and misses you, and would be there if they could. It’s really just easier for everyone that they’re not.
#embracevulnerability #Lemon8Diary #lemon8challenge #shareyourthoughts
The original post really resonated with me, highlighting a side of adult friendships we don't always talk about. It’s true, they ARE complicated, and often require a level of grace that childhood friendships never demanded. Beyond personal struggles like panic disorder, which can make showing up incredibly difficult, there are so many other unique challenges adult friendships face. Think about it: in our twenties and thirties, life throws so much at us. Some friends are navigating demanding careers, others are starting families, moving to new cities, or dealing with unexpected personal crises. This means schedules rarely align, and spontaneous meetups become a luxury. I’ve personally found myself struggling to keep up with friends who have young kids, while I'm still in a different life stage. It's not about caring less; it's about finding new ways to connect when your daily realities are so different. This is where 'grace' truly comes in. It’s not just for the friend who's struggling to be present, but for everyone in the friendship circle. If you're the one who can't always make it to the group gatherings at the cafe, enjoying boba tea with everyone, showing yourself grace means acknowledging your limitations without guilt. It means communicating honestly when you can, even if it's just a quick text saying, 'Thinking of you all, wish I could be there!' It means finding small, meaningful ways to engage, perhaps a quick call or a private message to check in. Your friends need to know you value them, even if you’re not physically present. And for those of us who are often on the 'inside' of the social circle, inviting the 'fringe friend' repeatedly, even if they often decline, is a huge act of grace. It shows them they’re still seen, still valued, and still part of the group. Understanding that their absence isn't personal, but often a battle they're fighting within, is crucial. It’s about not taking things to heart when someone misses out, and instead, offering empathy. Maybe they can’t join you for that big event, but a quiet coffee or a video call might be exactly what they need and can manage. Remember those moments when you see a group of friends laughing, maybe even making peace signs for a photo – it’s easy to assume everyone can participate like that. But for some, just the thought of being in that bustling cafe can be overwhelming. Adult friendships also evolve. Interests change, paths diverge, and that’s okay. Grace means allowing for this evolution without judgment. It means celebrating each other’s successes and supporting through struggles, even if the dynamic shifts. Sometimes, the most powerful act of friendship is simply consistent, gentle presence, even if it's from a distance. Let's all give each other a little more leeway and understanding as we navigate these beautiful, messy connections.
