Can I Move Past This?
"I’ve been seeing this guy for about a month. Things have been mostly good — sweet messages, cooked dinners, pet names, real effort. But two moments have shaken me so badly I can’t tell if I’m overreacting or finally seeing red flags clearly.
For context, I’ve struggled with eating disorders for years. I’m finally healthy, but I do have some loose skin on my stomach. One day, he grabbed the fat/skin on my arm and said, “We’ll get this off with calisthenics.” I explained my ED history, he empathized, so I let it go.
But then… during sx, he grabbed my stomach and asked, “What is this?” I said, “My belly.” He kept rejecting words until I said “fat,” and he literally replied, “Yes, we will get this off with calisthenics,” while still inside me. I stopped, obviously upset, and he told me I was “overthinking.”
He’s also told me I should eat meat (I’m vegan) and that certain colors I wear are “wrong for me.”
So now I’m stuck wondering…
How can someone be so affectionate and attentive, and so casually cruel about my body? Especially when he KNOWS my history?
Is this forgivable, or is this the kind of thing you don’t come back from?
Dealing with mixed signals in a relationship can be emotionally taxing, especially when affectionate moments are undermined by casual cruelty about sensitive topics like body image. It's important to recognize that comments about your body, such as those blurring the line between care and criticism—like telling you to "get this fat off with calisthenics" or questioning your physical appearance during intimate moments—can be deeply damaging, particularly when you have a history with eating disorders. Understanding the impact of such behavior involves acknowledging how these remarks affect your self-esteem and trust in the relationship. While affection, sweet messages, and thoughtful gestures are positive, they do not negate the harm caused by insensitive comments. The fact that your partner knows about your past struggles makes these remarks even more concerning, as empathy should guide their words and actions. From a psychological viewpoint, consistently dismissing your feelings by saying you are "overthinking" can invalidate your experience and contribute to emotional distress. Setting clear boundaries and expressing how these comments make you feel is crucial. No one should have to tolerate body shaming or feel pressured to change fundamental aspects of their identity, such as dietary choices or personal style. Forgiveness in such situations depends on whether your partner genuinely understands the harm caused and commits to changing their behavior. Consider open communication about your feelings and see if they respond with empathy and respect. However, if the pattern of casual cruelty continues, it may be a red flag indicating a lack of emotional support and respect, which are essential for a healthy relationship. Ultimately, moving past these incidents requires prioritizing your emotional well-being and self-respect. Surround yourself with people who uplift and support your journey toward healing. Remember, affection should not come at the expense of your mental health or self-worth.
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