Storytime👏🏾 Never Avoid Red Flags 🚩
So this all happened 2023. It was a whirlwind but a lesson learned
We used to work together sadly. Went out for coffee once and hung out from there. We’re were doing the little friends with benefits thing but i made him aware that I wanted something a little more serious. He told me he liked where this was going and i had potential . 🚩
Convinced me to stay and keep things going. We weren’t monogamous at first which I really didn’t care about. He asked for monogamy and exclusivity and I was like okay cuz I didn’t mind it.
So we were fine I guess I still wanted a committed label and He would never hang with me at events or anything and that was something I brought to his attention and he never do anything about that. And you know I’m big on checking in and respecting boundaries so I didn’t push it. My first red flag should’ve been the way he would refer to his exes. 🚩
There would be little things that he would do that would rub me the wrong way like not acknowledging me in a room or just ditching me when we’re going to the same place. 🚩Like after work we’d be going to his and he would walk out before me and leave me in there then text me asking me where I’m at as if we weren’t going together.Also the little things like walking ahead of me and not taking his time to actually walk with me and just leaving me behind as if we’re not going to the same space. 🚩And at first it would be me putting in the time and effort and money and being vulnerable. He probably paid for me twice in the year that we were together .
Money was never an issue for me but it was left on me to pick up the bill often and that became tiring. (Even paid for my birthday meal when he took me out) that’s a different story tho. i let him know that I wanted more then a FWB situation and he said he liked how things were and I told him that that isn’t fair to me and he send me these long messages about how it’s worth it and to have patience. His favorite thing was calling me impatient 🚩
And so I held on to it a little more and birthdays came up and I did right by him for that. I took him to a spa. Gave him a gift basket with a whole bunch of his favorite shit and rented a hotel room for some fun time 🙃. I went all out because that’s just how I am. And he like it and that was great . He was happy and I was happy. Things started going downhill when I got pregnant.
This is October, So when I told him that I was pregnant it was an automatic apology and a “ what are you going to do” as if he had no part. Then he proceeds to tell me that he doesn’t want to have a kid and he’d be there to support me but when I asked if he would be in his child’s life it was a hard no. So then I told him that was contradictory and if he couldn’t be there for our child, the one he helped create then that wouldn’t be supporting me. He had nothing to say to that. Horrible ass experience and that whole situation was bad, treated me like shit and didn’t compromise a bit so I handled business by myself. Priorities his friends and own feelings that whole time and so I just didn’t want to be around him. 🚩
Went through it by myself as he stayed around on his game. And through this whole process he let me know that he was a selfish person that didn’t want a kid to be the reason for him maturing. Which hey I understand that but he could’ve went about it in a different way. You could’ve been more supportive and more present in the process but you made it a difficult process and practically said you just wanted to get it over as fast as possible The thing that gets me is that he really felt like I should’ve gotten over the pregnancy faster than I have . My doctor asked me “hey how do you feel about that ? How do you think your partner would feel and it was pure dismay on my face because wow .
So after that I stayed around even though I should’ve left and I told him that I wanted to see other people. He didn’t like that. He wanted monogamy because he didn’t want me seeing other people and it would hurt him to see me with other people.
My birthday came up he got me an AirTag for my birthday yay, he also asked me to be his girl on my birthday I said no. He did it over a face time call because for my birthday he was in Virginia . When I asked why he couldn’t do it in person when he got back he say “ I didn’t wanna be forced to remember some random day” I found that inconsiderate. I also found it weird because it wouldn’t be a random day at that point. He didn’t want me seeing other people because it would hurt his feelings and I constantly asked him “do you feel like you treat me the way I deserve?” He would say no
On top of that sex was a big thing for him and I don’t need sex as a form of intimacy. He constantly made sex an issue between us where it became a problem for me to even be around me. I’d come over and he’d play his game and would barely acknowledge me . But when it came down to sex he was all for it.
“I hate to force the sexual tensions btwn us I’ve just come from a place previously of laying w someone who didn’t want to touch me and spent nights up self pleasuring to get by. A place I feel insecure living in and fight to avoid again no I don’t want us to be all about sex but I also only have you as an outlet to my energy yet I work to control the influxes and temptations “ 🚩🚩 that’s verbatim
And that hurt me because I’m not an outlet for anybody and I told him that. I like to cuddle and he never wanted to cuddle with me because I’d always end up falling asleep
So yeah that’s how that went and I couldn’t do it anymore because I had to put me first for once and he couldn’t respect me enough to see that . It was me putting in my all at first and then I stopped when I realized that he just didn’t care .
He started to tell me about what people thought about me when we were working at roller wave. How people thought I was fast and promiscuous. And that’s why he didn’t wanna be seen with me at work or just be seen with me in general. He wanted to keep his life private which was cool but at the same time never defended me to the people that were talking shit about me and making me out to be something I’m not.
I broke up with him and never looked back 👏🏾
Reading my own story back, it's wild how many red flags I rationalized away or simply didn't recognize for what they truly were. When you're in the thick of it, especially with someone you care about, it's incredibly hard to see emotional abuse for what it is. It's not always shouting or violence; sometimes it's those subtle, persistent patterns that chip away at your self-worth. One of the biggest red flags I encountered was the constant disregard for my feelings and needs. It wasn't just about him never showing up to events or walking ahead of me, but the deeper message it sent: that my presence, my feelings, simply didn't matter as much as his convenience. This extended to financial matters too; always being expected to pick up the tab feels like a small thing, but it’s a sign of a deeper imbalance where one person consistently takes more than they give. Then there's the manipulation, which often started with vague promises and then escalated. Being told to have 'patience' when I expressed my needs, or being called 'impatient' for wanting a committed relationship, was a classic tactic to make me feel unreasonable for having valid desires. It made me question my own perceptions and feelings, which is a hallmark of emotional abuse. The most painful red flag, of course, was the complete lack of support during a vulnerable time like pregnancy. To hear, 'what are you going to do?' and then for him to refuse any involvement in our child's life, completely contradicted any claim of 'support.' It was a stark reminder that his own comfort and feelings always came first, even at the expense of a child. This is where you see the true selfishness that can underpin emotional abuse. And speaking of selfishness, one line I'll never forget came from a message where he stated, 'I also only have you as an outlet to my energy yet I work to control the influxes and temptations.' This statement hit me hard because it revealed I was never seen as a partner, but merely a tool to fulfill his needs – an 'outlet.' It dehumanizes you, turning a relationship into a transactional exchange where your feelings and desires are secondary to their emotional or physical 'release.' This kind of language is a huge indicator that someone views you as an object rather than a person worthy of genuine connection and respect. When someone treats you like an 'outlet,' it signals a profound insecurity on their part that they are projecting onto you, often leaving you feeling drained and used. Another subtle yet damaging red flag was the way he allowed others to speak ill of me, even implying it was why he couldn't be seen with me publicly. A partner should defend you, not join in undermining your reputation. When someone you're intimately involved with doesn't stand up for you, it erodes trust and makes you feel isolated. It took a long time, but I eventually learned that constantly having to fight for basic respect, consideration, and emotional support is not normal in a healthy relationship. If you're consistently feeling confused, undervalued, or like you're walking on eggshells, those are significant emotional abuse red flags. Trust your gut feelings. If something feels off, it probably is. Prioritizing your well-being and knowing when to walk away, even when it's incredibly hard, is the most important lesson I learned.
Welcome! Can’t wait to see more from you in the future💛