You’re in love…

You’re in love, and it’s so lonely sometimes it hurts to breathe. You’re in love, and your needs pile up unanswered like the laundry on the floor. You’re in love, but the words you speak hang ignored in the air. You’re in love, because your heart doesn’t know how to walk away. Because your empathy is a gift and a curse. Because you believe in goodness and yet…

He says he loves you, but it’s only when it’s in his best interest. He says he loves you, but you ask for help while you fall behind and he criticizes you. He says he loves you, but he’d rather scroll his phone than listen to your hard day.

He isn’t evil. He isn’t bad. He just wasn’t built the same.

Your heart falls hard and fast, you see the beauty in a hurting soul, you see the pain in a suffering life, but you’re naive. His intentions are fueled by his best interest alone. You don’t see past the lies because you would never say those things. You don’t see the gaslighting, because you can’t possibly imagine trying to make someone feel crazy just for the sake of it. And at first, you don’t see past the ‘love’, because all you want is for him to love you like you love him.

But he can’t. He’s not wired like that. It’s not a fault of men. It’s not even truly a fault of his. Something happened at some point in his life that grew him this way. He doesn’t even know he’s wrong. But you can’t imagine treating anyone the way he treats you and not feeling wrong. Your moral compasses don’t align, and that’s hard for you to understand. And that knowledge almost makes you want to stay more.

Something hurt him, and maybe, just maybe you can uncover it, maybe you can help him. But you can’t. You think back to the charming flirty guy who every girl wanted. He played it so well, he had so many to choose from. But he picked you. The shy girl who had just come out of her first long term relationship. The girl who had left the guy who had hurt her. The girl whose family life was a mess. The girl with the low self esteem. But the girl who would do anything for the people she loved. He picked her. The perfect target to suck the life from.

And you didn’t see it, because he picked you. And slowly as the years went on, you dimmed and faded until almost none of you was left.

But you’re stronger than that. As you started to remember yourself you slowly began to find your ground. And as you looked at it through different eyes it all fell apart. It was all a ruse. And you had been so sucked in that you missed the whole thing. But you see it now, and the more you see it the more that makes sense. It keeps coming, slowly unraveling before your eyes, 6 years of lies. It’s all so clear. Too clear. You want to beat yourself up. How were you so stupid? But you stop. It was all his game. Your gifts are also your curses. Your love and loyalty. Your empathy and faith. They build you into something strong, but they can also hand you over into something dark. You take a breath, it’s time to remember yourself. You stand up tall, it’s time to reclaim your story. You are the author of your own choices. And this next chapter is yours.