Rant

I've been trying to figure out how to say this without feeling like everything I did was for nothing. for 6 plus years. I've been taking care of this person. this person has been in my life for years. so for them to say that I have silent animosity towards them. it's crazy that they think that. I will never understand how they come with that assumption. how they can come with that conclusion. after everything I've done. after everything my mother has done after they has called her blob but she has taken care of them when they have problems going on their home. She has taken care of them twice when they didn't even deserve it. the second time. I forgave them the first time. I had gotten them. everything they needed to success. and they throw it in my face as if I am the bad guy. I said some things I should have said and I did say the same things I did years ago. I am wrong for saying that. and I shouldn't be forgiven for that. it's just crazy how everything I do. they seem to turn it to me as if I've done something wrong. They got mad at me after I didn't do what they want me to do and then ghosted me for days. how was I supposed to know if they was still even mad at me or not. I didn't say anything when they posted cuz again I didn't know how mad they was. I should have but then again I was also going through something and when I tried to tell them that they gave me a short apology. I could have said something more and then when they said I didn't care and the more I think about how I've done everything how I paid their way how I bought them clothes and then they turn around to say I was just a paypig basically for their friendship. that shows that they were never my friends. I was a gift giver that was my love language and the fact that they took that as a way of me paying for their friendship. I understand now. I was used for that. I was used for convenience. I used to be a constant payer for everything.Why? because I had my stuff together. I was doing well. And the fact thatno one will take responsibility for it. yes I shouldn't have put things on the internet and that's why I took the post down. no one really interacted with it anyways. so nobody really saw anything. but again I was trying to deflect and not even try to argue. I wanted it to end with good intentions. we separate our good ways and not say anything horrible but when I try to separate myself from the situation it just seems that everyone seems to have their opinions that they have to post. because why do you feel like every time you're not friends with anyone? you have to talk crap about them? Why can't they just block you and just have their life? Why do they have to not care because of one thing because they were going through things and neither one of us checked on each other so we were both wrong. it just seems like no one didn't want to take accountability without yelling at each other. And things were said. And nobody cared to read a paragraph to even try to read anything I was saying. it was a straight up" I'm not reading that" so it was like damn what was the point in this? what was the point in? just confronting me just for you not to listen to a word. I say? I couldn't say a word. I couldn't even get a word and the only way I could to get a word and was in the paragraph and nobody wanted to read that. so how would you know if you don't read anything and then you turn around and say something that is a lie? I shouldn't have said something about your business online. luckily nobody saw it. on my end, but including your "sister" into the situation was not the way to go. I don't know her and the fact that she said she didn't like me anyways chose me how fake y'all were and the fact that everybody keeps trying to say I have family. you don't have friends who say I don't have friends who said I haven't made a lot of Friends. I haven't talked to you. That's why it didn't phase me when you called me miserable. I'm a miserable person because I was friends with you. I honestly wish we went back to where we were friends for a good while and then after a few months we kind of went good through our life and then back and forth because when that happened everything was okay. everything was refreshed. everybody was growing in their separate ways for a while. but ever since then ever since we've been under each other, it seems like everything it's worth. it seems like we both get more irritated with each other even though we want to see each other and it seems like no one gets their way because we both have to ask things. I couldn't go in certain spaces and you didn't like the space I was in. we were both raised by narcissists so why would I be the only narcissist in this situation? it seems like how I was manipulated into giving you money into getting you clothes and to let my mom be disrespected by you even though she helped you in every way possible. And the fact that you call her a blob. You would never be able to come back in my life after that. I was wrong for saying that to your mom because she's not here. I've already prayed for that. I've already prayed my for forgiveness for that. because that was wrong because she's not here and I've asked for forgiveness. but for my Mama to be here to help you in your way even help you get a job help you get to where we needed to get you an ID because she didn't have to do that because she was still on the fence about you. she didn't know how our friendship was going to last. She saw what was going on. I just just too blind to see it. I couldn't see between the red tinted glasses. because I was so happy that we was friends again. it was all right in the beginning with then surely slowly it began to be more. give you give you and nothing's receiving back. now we shared everything. we shared clothes. we shared showers. we shared everything. secrets. that I was glad on my end wasn't shown. And also I was ashaming you for anything. I shouldn't have said that. but my point was to make you hate me because we was never going to leave each other alone. Even when we needed to. we needed to have to break down. Even though it wasn't how we wanted to go. it just happened the way it did. again, I'm sorry. I'm just as disappointed in myself, just as much as I'm disappointed in you. I shouldn't have went there. I shouldn't have let it go to where it went. but things can't be unsaid nothing can change back what was said. if I get slug back with mud I'll just get up from it and leave. because now it's beneath me. everything is beneath me. I'm not going to argue and I'm not going to be a clone to something I had first. but then again, I don't want to be a clone to something so I'll always find something different myself. I'll always find myself. I have my family behind my back. the real ones. The one that's that showed me who is real and who was fake. I would have never did half the things you did to me. I would have never let my boyfriends do the things you've let yours do to me. but I was always protective over you. it wasn't just because I was just trying to give face. I always cared for you. I always was always ready to fight for you. so when you say I don't care because I was going through something the same way you was going through something. And I was wrong for not texting you or checking up. but the first thing you say was we need to check our friendship and nothing was said about. how are you? what's going on? you haven't been able to check on me? is something going on and why you couldn't text me? none of that was asked. because things were happening to me. but you don't seem to care. Yes I did care when you was in the hospital. it was just that I can't focus because I was going through my own thing. it was just like you couldn't let me go through my own thing without making it about yourself. and the sad thing is I would never fight you. I can't fight a disabled person. that would be just wrong.. I never said I could fight you. or would. I didn't even bother at this time. everyone felt like they had to put their opinions on it. and I couldn't even be mature in this situation because before I can even breathe and go through my grief of the friendship, everybody was already talking stuff. And it's like let it Go. how can I be so attacked about this? and no one would try to understand my point of view. it's only their point of view or no one's and it isn't fair. it isn't fair that when I try to take up for myself, I'm miserable now. I'm hateful and then that makes me hateful and then they wonder why they get the reaction they want it's like they want to bait somebody into arguing with them because they don't want anybody to have a resolved growth. my growth was trying to let go of the situation. my growth was me trying to separate from all of the situation. that is why I left the group chat. that is why I left it alone because I knew I was going to get blamed for something nothing I had going on was nothing compared to somebody else's the situation and that was to exact thing I needed. because if my situation ain't as Giant as yours. but I prayed you too pull through what you're going through. I said what I said out of love because at this point there's no need for a return. there's no need for a replay of everything that's going to happen again and again and again. I hope everything goes through with the way you need it. I hope everything is okay at your house. I hope everything is okay in your life. because everything is done and done. nothing can replace anything that has happened. it's time to move on and to go to different places in life. I'm done with the situation. I'm going to focus on better things in my life. And when I'm out of my own situation I would be moving to better places. non-contact is looking very much amazing right now. I'm happier. I've been feeling lighter. I feel I can breathe without anything being judged. I can feel like I can be myself without being judged. And not just for my goofiness and whatever and my ADHD. I don't have to feel like I have to dial my looks or my character for anyone anymore.. I don't have to feel stupid. every time I try to say a fact I don't have to hear somebody trying to over smart me. every single time I try to say something. things are done over so it's better to just let it go. let it flourish. I wasn't there once and there was a hurricane but I was there for all the times I was needed. I was there when I was asked to come. I was never invited. yes I have memories that I miscontruded as good memories. I can't tell what's real or fake because my memories was manipulated into things that I don't remember. so it's all vague so I'm slowly getting back to myself. I can never forgive someone who let a stranger tell me I was being passed around by my brother. so we both said something unforgivable. it's funny that you went through the same thing and you let them say that.. In the fact you go through this narrative as if I I've never said something under lies of. As if the bashing petty post was enough? You tried to say I was shaming you. I wasn't shaming you at all. but if you feel like I was I apologize. but now I'm done. we can't take back who we said. And that is that. we can just live our lives now without feeling like work "manipulating" each other And again, we're adults. just because there's a one-year difference. doesn't mean two grown folks can't manipulate folks. thank you. 💖💞