Caregiver's Diary: In the Perverse, with Stars

What exactly does it feel like?

🗓️ Monday, November 17, 2025

In the dark morning, my aunt recently knocked on the door, called to open the middle door at four and a half o'clock in the morning. This has happened many times before, even before I opened the bedroom door to wake up, causing me to lock the door every night because my aunt didn't come down for time - at 10: 00, at midnight, at one: 00, at two: 00, at three, until everyone else in the house woke up regularly, especially my mother and sister, and I didn't know anything because I was sleeping.

So we agreed, "Then lock the middle door."

But enough to do that for a while, the wake and knock on the door became a new thing to follow instead.

I asked my aunt directly, "If my mother or I are lying, can I wake up?"

He said no.

So we agreed to come down at 5: 00 a.m. and set the alarm clock as a signal.

But this morning, he still knocks at 4 and a half in the morning and knocks for almost fifteen minutes.

It's weird that I'm not frustrated at all, because my wake is not broken. I just lay down until 5: 00 in the morning and got up.

When I opened the door, I saw my aunt holding a basket to wash, and I thought, "It should be talked about, because we agreed."

So I warned him harder, scolded, expressed my displeasure.

But if I were to go back then, I'd choose to let go and talk to each other when everything was still.

But I've already chosen that way.

I didn't feel bad for scolding him. I didn't regret it.

What really troubles me is "the identity of my own aunt."

I don't want to be the one who makes him feel that whatever he does is wrong, because people don't tolerate what he is.

With the symptoms he had - negative thoughts, depressed physical health, negative mental health - everything around him seemed so depressed that it healed in many people's eyes.

But he is lucky to have money, someone to take care of, and our Thailand has the right to a gold card. Because if you really have to treat yourself, the cost is not small, even if your son-in-law is well off, but because the cost of treatment is too much. When my daughter told me 4 months ago that I didn't work because I had to take care of my child and wanted to reduce my aunt's treatment expenses, I decided to move into the public system instead of private to reduce the cost.

But I would like to add more to the cost of care, because at that time I had reached the limit, to find a place for my aunt to go to a nursing home. I reasoned that because "I can't take care of it anymore," but there was an incident where I got sick after returning from the temple first, causing everything to stop.

It was just a sending-off procedure.

So I raised money to solve this part of the problem and became the primary caretaker.

I considered it my aunt's good fortune that I had experienced a madman, so I thought that letting her go somewhere else was not a long-term solution and could have many effects on my aunt and those around me.

After coming back from Sing Buri, the first thing the Master advised me was to ask for everyone in the house, but except for my aunt (this mother's sister), who I didn't ask for, and I wanted to do so far, it was one of the things I was determined to do before he went to America.

The thing that makes me feel really bad is not the thing that I miss.

Because being together every day. It has to be normal good and bad days.

But having him around makes me constantly revisit, "How should I take care of him?" And how should I take care of myself from being pulled into that hole?

I'm delusional, thinking someone's gonna kill, someone's gonna hurt all the time.

Before that, he said that someone was wearing

Combined with the increasingly obvious symptoms of forgetfulness.

When I wrote it here, I felt a heavy heart start to loosen up.

Like something heavy in the chest slowly loosens out.

Maybe because I've released my spiraling thoughts word by word.

It shows that writing and reflecting ideas are valuable in my own remedies.

I admit I missed it myself, and maybe I missed it again the next day.

And the two of us still have to learn, especially me, not to focus on her or her actions, her symptoms, until I can blame her, and there's nothing better than blaming her for being guilty.

"So today I'm slowly forgiving myself for some too much."

I know I've done the best I can, and I should thank myself for being able.

Before taking care of him seriously, I cut off every "cause" to keep myself from being distracted.

Because if I were looking for the cause of this kind of mental breakdown, I'd be crazy.

Deep down, I believe it's the mental phenomenon he faces in this life.

Like a lot of seeds planted from the past and blooming in unpredictable ways.

The experience I've experienced before has prevented me from judging him, because if he has the opportunity to practice justice, this condition can be solved, and it can be as simple as flipping the palm, and I survived by being guided by the teacher.

Otherwise, I could have gone crazy at the time, and I was like the one in the middle and felt that what was happening was really scary.

I currently work with my mind day-to-day, cleaning it every day so that no heavy emotions explode.

And it helps me stay with this whole situation more smoothly.

What does this teach me?

I thought that even if it was tired, difficult or heavier, I would keep going.

Because it's one of the most challenging tests in life.

If I look at my aunt as a "teacher of the heart" who is not a "burden,"

He was the top of a rocky test iceberg that I wanted to pass and understand along the way.

Because I know - no one would understand him as much as I do.

From every experience I've faced in the past,

🐞

I've been working at the shop lately and taking care of my aunt, but there's one thing I've always been worried about: this piece of jigsaw, I might be missing, sneaking into corners that don't have to think about anything more (a lot), sneaking around and reading a lot of books that I want to read, but when I stop by today I don't feel well, I can't tell you right, but let's just learn me about it on the way that I might be worried that I'm barely updated, but I can stay with this idea and use my own offline mode to do what I want to do and want to do it. 🔛

📝 Don't forget to record today's story because everyday life always has meaning.

The most important thing is to always thank yourself and thank you for still being together in this little corner. Thank you for listening.

Good night. ❤️