When Co-Parenting Turn Toxic
What do I do now?
I'm genuinely lost and don't know what is the right thing to do anymore....
These screenshots show the maintenance for my son slowly dropping over time. From $300, to $250, to $200, and eventually just $50. Then for 4 months, nothing at all.
Let me intro abit... My ex & I were never married he is my son's biological father his details are in my son Birth Certificate. We broke up when our son was months old. My son is 12 now. He only tried to start supporting a few years back when I told him if he would agree for my husband to adopt his son.
Years ago, I did told him that if he wanted to be completely hands off, I would let my current husband adopt our son. But because of his ego, he refused. He said, "He's my son. I'll support him." I respected his decision because I believed he would keep his promise.
All I ever asked for was $250 a month to help with our son's expenses. Sometimes he gave more or even paid in advance, and I was always grateful. But when he stopped paying for four months, I had no choice but to file for child maintenance through the Family Justice Courts.
His wife later contacted me after they received the court papers. She explained that he was struggling with depression. If that's true, I genuinely sympathise because mental health is real. But at the same time, our son is in PSLE, and his school allowance, tuition and I believe my child monthly expenses shouldn't stop because life gets difficult.
What hurt me even more was there was once he asked if he could use our son's name so he could qualify for the concessionary foreign domestic worker levy. He told me that instead of paying the normal levy of $275 a month, he would only need to pay $60 a month, saving $200ish every month. He promised that the money he saved would go towards supporting our son instead. Because of that promise, I agreed. I thought the extra money could help me top up for our son's tuition and other expenses.
But then the maintenance stopped completely for four months.
When he received the Family Court letter, he called me and verbally abused me for almost 20 minutes. He didn't let me explain anything. I cried throughout the phone call because I was genuinely terrified.
The truth is, he physically abused me during our relationship before. That was one of the reasons we broke up. Even though it happened years ago, the trauma is still with me.
After that phone call, I became so scared that I didn't even dare attend court anymore. I was afraid that if I saw him in person, he would scream at me, verbally abuse me or humiliate me in public.
He barely sees our son, maybe once or twice a year. Yet he was willing to use our son's name to enjoy the lower helper levy while not providing the maintenance he promised.
Part of me wants to stop chasing him and just move on. But then I remind myself that if he wasn't the father, I would have let it go long ago.
So now I'm really stuck.
But why I'm afraid of him?
Why can't I just raise my concern directly to him?!
Anyways, I am not writing this to shame anyone. I'm simply exhausted, scared and genuinely don't know what the right thing to do is anymore.
If you were in my shoes, what would you do? 💔
P.S. Before anyone says, "Your husband can support him anyway," yes, my husband does love and support my son in many ways, and I'm truly grateful for that. But I don't think that takes away the biological father's responsibility. My son deserves support from both the man raising him and the man who brought him into this world.
At this point, I'm honestly wondering... should I stop asking for maintenance altogether and ask him once more to agree to let my husband adopt my son instead? Or should I continue pursuing the maintenance because it's my son's right? I'm genuinely torn and would appreciate respectful advice.
Dealing with a toxic co-parenting situation, especially when child maintenance stops or diminishes, can be incredibly challenging and emotionally draining. From my experience and conversations with others going through similar struggles, it's important to recognize several key factors. First, maintaining the child's best interests should always be the priority. Even if the biological father is unreliable or abusive, financial support is a legitimate and important right for your child’s welfare and future. Pursuing legal channels, such as family or maintenance courts, though intimidating, provides a formal way to ensure that responsibility is shared fairly. It’s understandable to feel scared about facing your ex-partner, especially with a history of abuse, but there are protective measures and mediation services that can help manage communication safely. Second, mental health challenges faced by the co-parent, such as depression, can complicate their ability to fulfill obligations. While empathy is important, children’s needs must come first, and timely support should not be neglected. Counseling or family therapy might be an avenue to consider if your ex is willing, to improve communication and co-parenting. Third, the emotional toll on both you and your child cannot be underestimated. It’s essential to seek support from trusted friends, mental health professionals, or local support groups. Sharing your story with others can also provide validation and practical advice. Lastly, the question of adoption by a current partner is profound. It might offer legal security and a more stable family structure but consider the emotional impact on your child regarding identity and connection with their biological father. Open, honest discussions with your child, if age-appropriate, and legal advice are crucial before making this decision. In summary, while the situation is complex and painful, you are not alone. Balancing compassion with firm boundaries, understanding your legal rights, and prioritizing your son's well-being are essential steps. Continuous support, both legal and emotional, can empower you to navigate this difficult journey more confidently.
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