Who am I after NC?

Random Thoughts

💭What's on my mind:

Current Mood: 😔

The hardest part about living my life is figuring out who I am.

Who am I when the people closest to me , strategically stripped me of who I am? I thought I knew who I was, after going off on my own getting my first place out of state ,I was just getting into building and trying to refine who I was not only for me but to not be looked down on by especially those around me. I was once in an environment where I could somewhat focus on me, but instead I had let my family convince me to return back home and live closer to them so that they could "help" me and while I did absolutely struggle on my own, the help they gave was not in alignment with what my true needs were and was only by design to further isolate and make me dependent upon them.

I spent so much time, so much of my life trying to make my family pleased, while trying to be liked by others as I was raised to believe I was unlikeable and unlovable and to blame my personality for the abuse inflicted. I needed to take responsibility for myself as they would call it, but I feel so stripped and I don't even like to talk about this part of NC , the chapter where I left and cut everyone off because I could no longer deal with the narrative painted about me.

Nearly 1 year of NC and cutting everyone off , I moved far away, while I feel it was the truly the best decision I've ever made, no one ever talks about the realities that come with it, of how pack minded people are, or at least how I interpret it and how guarded I've been and it blocking me from being able to establish any potential connections. I enjoy my solitude and want to continue protecting my peace , but when being hit with the reminders that all I have is me and, my own family I created greatly depending on me in which I need to protect,the fear of one slip up, one mistake and it scares me, especially when knowing that the closest person to me did nothing but pray on my downfall, and have so much hatred for the daughter she birthed and claimed she prayed and begged her god for.

I wasn't the daughter she wanted.

I wasn't the sister anyone could be happy to say "that's my sister"

I'm that aunt that the where the child only hears negative things about.

I had only been made a mockery of.

This has not been an easy year, I expected it to come with its obstacles but it's been more failures than it's been a win. Am I just not meant to be happy😭

am I supposed to allow the same people who hurt me back in my life? Am I just not meant to be happy, do I deserve what I get for leaving. idk❓