Lessons from people who don't want to stay but still have to stay.

I learned that being told by someone to love doesn't mean that he will be honest and to take a promise. Doesn't mean to actually do it, I learned from being repeatedly lied to, from the truth being hidden, from explanations that sound like sympathy.

But never stopped acting that hurt me, I didn't choose to recognize this, I didn't want to know.

But knowing... it never goes back again.

I learned that. To say "don't think too much" is to deny my feelings, and to rant when caught is not love, but to protect himself, I learned that. A man who impregnates a woman.

And then told me he wouldn't contact me. No shipping.

But instead, do the opposite without telling me.

Not a person who respects me, not a person who appreciates the flesh, trusts me, learns that I can't live with repeated lies. Even if I try to be quiet, patient, or understand, it doesn't make me happier. I eat bad food, sleep, never sleep, cry for no reason, and start to feel embarrassed. Even if I do nothing wrong, I learn that accumulated pain can actually make one person "die alive." I don't want to die, but I don't want to live like this.

I just don't know where to put myself.

And how to start over on a day when no one understands me?

Parents don't understand. Brothers don't understand.

And I didn't dare to tell anyone, because it was too heavy, and I was embarrassed by my feelings, and I carried everything alone until one day my body was still empty, and I learned that staying on didn't mean being strong, it meant "I haven't given up my life."

I have the right to choose to retreat, choose to separate, choose to talk sparingly, choose not to be busy, not to tie, not to hope.

To protect my own heart, I don't need to prove I'm hurt enough or not, there's no need to explain why I can't stand it because of someone who's never been in this spot.

Never totally understandable if one day I'm going to leave.

It's not because I'm weak, but because I don't want to be in a place that makes me mentally sick anymore.

And the most important lesson I learned from the whole thing is

I'm not wrong to feel hurt. I'm not an unbearable failure, and I have the right to choose a life that doesn't cost my own dignity.

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