Identifying high masking autism

After my own diagnosis, I realized just how much of my life was spent masking, often without even knowing it. It's more than just 'fitting in' – it's an exhausting, continuous performance to appear neurotypical, especially in social situations. For me, this often manifested as being overly quiet and reserved, constantly observing others to mimic appropriate responses. I’d rehearse conversations in my head, analyze body language, and force myself to make eye contact, even when it felt intensely uncomfortable. This deliberate effort to seem 'normal' was my way of navigating a world that often felt overwhelming, but it took a massive toll on my mental health. I’ve come to understand that this constant masking is a huge reason why so many women and girls, especially those with high masking autism, are diagnosed so late, or not at all. My pediatrician in the 90s likely saw a 'quiet kid' who was 'standoffish' – traits often dismissed as shyness rather than signs of internal struggle. I remember preferring solitude, actively choosing to be alone rather than navigating the complex unspoken rules of group dynamics. I genuinely had very few close friends because the effort required to maintain those relationships felt immense. One of the biggest aspects of masking for me was suppressing stims. As a child, I instinctively had repetitive movements or sounds when overwhelmed or excited. But I quickly learned that these behaviors drew unwanted attention and made me 'different.' So, I’d force myself to be 'overly still' or channel my fidgets into less noticeable movements, like tapping my foot under a desk or subtly rubbing my fingers together. This internal battle to control my natural impulses was incredibly draining and contributed significantly to my anxiety and sometimes, moments of deep depression. It’s hard to constantly fight against your own wiring. It’s also interesting how high intelligence can sometimes make masking even more effective, yet more damaging. For individuals with high cognitive abilities, we might develop sophisticated coping mechanisms and intellectualize our social challenges, making it even harder for others (and ourselves!) to see the underlying autistic traits. We become experts at camouflage, often at the expense of our true selves and well-being. Sometimes, people ask about the difference between ADHD masking and autism masking. While both involve adapting behaviors, my experience with autism masking feels rooted in trying to understand and replicate social conventions that don't come naturally, and managing sensory overload. ADHD masking, from what I understand, often involves hiding executive function challenges like forgetfulness or restlessness. There can be overlaps, especially with 'fidgety' behaviors, but the core reasons for the masking often differ. Understanding the full spectrum of autism, not just the stereotypical presentations, is vital. My hope in sharing my story is to highlight these lesser-known signs, especially those connected to masking, so that the next generation of girls and women have a better chance at early recognition and support. It's about recognizing that being 'quiet,' 'reserved,' 'choosing to be alone,' or 'suppressing stims' aren't just personality quirks but can be crucial indicators of an autistic experience. What subtle signs have you noticed?