Consistency Was Never the Goal
I broke my "perfect routine" for the fourth time this week. Then I rebuilt it. That's the actual practice.
At 4 a.m. last Tuesday, I was feeding my daughter and scrolling through old attempts of setting habits with habit trackers. I laughed. Out loud. Four months postpartum and most of my mornings start before they're supposed to, with a baby in my lap and a cold coffee I keep losing track of.
Here's what nobody tells you: consistency was never the goal. Returning is.
The wellness industry sold us a story that real change looks like a 75-day streak, an unbroken habit tracker, a perfectly checked calendar. But that's not how the brain works, and it is certainly not how a human life works. Not with a newborn. Not with a chronic illness flare. Not with an ADHD spiral. Not with a hard week.
In DBT we talk about "willing hands", opening up to what's actually happening, not what we wish was happening. Real consistency is willing hands. It is not refusing to break. It's noticing you broke and turning back toward yourself anyway.
Showing up imperfectly counts. Drinking water once today counts. Texting your therapist that you can't make it but want to reschedule counts. Going to bed at 11 instead of midnight counts.
The shame spiral that hits when you "fall off", that's not proof you're inconsistent. That's proof you're holding yourself to a standard designed to make you feel like you're failing.
I've stopped tracking streaks. I've started tracking returns. How many times did I come back to myself this week? How many times did I notice I'd drifted and make one small move toward something that mattered? How am I feeling? Am I meeting my needs? That's the data I actually care about now. Not the unbroken line. The rebuilding.
You don't have to start over on Monday. You can start over right now, in the middle of the sentence, in the middle of the day, in the middle of the life you are already living.
You are not inconsistent. You are a person. And the willingness to keep coming back is the most consistent thing about you.
What if you stopped counting the days you "missed", and started counting the times you returned?
#selfcare #mentalhealth #postpartumlife #therapistmom #inconsistency
From my own experience juggling new motherhood and personal goals, I’ve found that aiming for perfect consistency often sets us up for disappointment. Life’s unpredictability—whether a newborn’s needs, chronic health issues, or mental health fluctuations—makes rigid routines unrealistic. Instead, I’ve learned the invaluable lesson Kristal Kinsey shares: what truly matters is not how many times we stumble but how many times we return to our intentions with kindness and patience. I started practicing this 'return' mindset by reframing daily habits. For instance, instead of beating myself up for missing a workout or forgetting hydration, I celebrate the moments I do manage even a small step forward, like taking a brief walk or drinking a glass of water. This shift reduces shame and fosters self-compassion, which has improved my motivation far more than chasing streaks ever did. Using techniques aligned with Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), such as the concept of 'willing hands,' has helped me acknowledge reality as it is—imperfections included—without judgment. This acceptance opens the door to growth, reminding me that my worth isn’t tied to flawless progress but to consistent effort over time. Especially in postpartum life, where every day is unpredictable, this approach is liberating. I focus on how many times I reconnect with my self-care practices, no matter how imperfectly. Sending a quick text to reschedule therapy or going to bed an hour earlier feels like wins because they reflect intentional caring for myself. If you find yourself discouraged by missed days or broken chains, remember: healing and change are nonlinear. Embrace the return practice by noticing when you drift, naming what you need without judgment, choosing one small move back, and reflecting on your progress. This mindset nurtures resilience and aligns with how humans truly grow—through persistence fueled by compassion, not perfection.
