What Happens When You Stop Trusting Yourself
At some point, something happened. And after that, you started asking everyone else what you should feel.
I have second-guessed myself so many times that I genuinely couldn't tell you what I actually wanted versus what I thought I was supposed to want. Big things, small things. Should I be more upset about this? Am I overreacting? Is this a red flag or am I just being anxious?
I have literally looked at my husband and asked "should we be arguing more?" Even though I know from my own therapy that our dynamics are perfectly healthy. That's how deep it goes.
It started early. As a kid I was always the one making sure everyone around me was okay. Oh, dad was angry. How do I make him laugh. Oh, he's happy now. See, I was anxious for nothing. That became my signal that I must have been fine too. But that wasn't trust in myself. That was using other people's comfort as a measuring stick for my own reality.
As I got older the pattern continued. I'd identify a need, and the person I was bringing it to would somehow make their reaction feel bigger than what I was even asking about. So I'd back down. Question myself. Wonder if I was being too much. And then there was the "well, from their perspective..." response. I remember venting once about feeling hurt that someone kept turning down my help. I wasn't even asking for a solution. I just felt bad because I genuinely wanted to show up for that person. And the response I got was "yeah but maybe you need to be more assertive." Just like that, the conversation shifted from what I was feeling to what I needed to fix. I left that conversation doubting myself instead of feeling heard. Valid reframe, maybe. But I stopped trusting what I felt in the first place.
When your body has surprised you with a diagnosis you didn't see coming, when relationships have shifted in ways you didn't expect, when you've been told your reactions were "too much" enough times... you stop trusting the signal. You start outsourcing it.
Learning to trust yourself again isn't about becoming certain. It's about rebuilding a relationship with your own inner voice after something (or someone, or a lot of someones) convinced you it was unreliable.
That voice didn't disappear. It just got quiet because it kept getting overruled. By other people, yes, but also by yourself. And that second part matters just as much. We can't put all of that on the people around us. Sometimes we were the ones who talked ourselves out of what we knew, stayed when we felt we should go, or handed our own knowing over to someone else's certainty because it felt safer than trusting our own.
There's a reason so many of us end up in this place. Sometimes it's relational. Growing up having your feelings minimized, being with a partner who made you question your reality, friendships that were conditional on you being agreeable. When the people around you consistently respond to your internal experience with "that's not a big deal" or "you're too sensitive," you learn to doubt the source.
Sometimes it's your own body doing the surprising. Chronic illness has a way of making you feel like you can't predict yourself. PMOS, endometriosis, ADHD. These are conditions that can make you feel betrayed by your own biology. When your body stops being predictable, you start losing trust in your own read of a situation.
And sometimes it's just accumulated self-abandonment. The slow pattern of ignoring your gut because it was inconvenient, talked yourself out of things you knew, stayed too long, said yes when you meant no. That erosion is quiet. You don't notice it until one day you realize you have no idea what you actually think.
Rebuilding starts small. It starts with noticing. Not fixing, not acting. Just noticing. What does this feel like in my body? What's my first response before I talk myself out of it? Those small moments of checking in, without immediately dismissing what you find, are how you start to repair the relationship.
DBT calls it "wise mind." The place where your emotional experience and rational thinking meet. Not all emotion, not all logic. Both. You have access to it, even if it feels like it's been offline for a while. You're not starting from zero. You're tuning back into a frequency that was always there.
You don't have to earn the right to trust yourself. You never lost it, really. You just got really good at ignoring it.
What's one thing your gut has been telling you that you keep talking yourself out of?
#trustyourself #selfgrowth #healingjourney #mentalhealth #therapistoftiktok
Trusting yourself is fundamental to mental health, yet many of us face moments where that trust erodes quietly over time. From personal experience, I can share how challenging it feels when your inner voice starts to fade beneath external doubts and internal anxiety. One thing I noticed is how people minimizing your feelings can make the smallest emotions seem invalid. When friends or family say "you're too sensitive" or dismiss your reactions as "too much," it chips away at your confidence in your own perceptions. This consistent pattern creates a habit of second-guessing every gut feeling, causing mental and emotional fatigue. Chronic illness can further shake that trust. Conditions like PMOS or ADHD introduce unpredictability, making your body feel foreign or unreliable. This betrayal by your own biology complicates your ability to read situations accurately, adding a layer of uncertainty that is tough to manage. However, rebuilding trust isn’t about ignoring logic or emotions but balancing both—what DBT calls the "wise mind." It’s a state where you acknowledge your feelings and assess them with rational thought rather than dismissing either. Reconnecting with your wise mind means practicing self-awareness, noticing your initial instincts, and validating them before allowing self-doubt to take over. Simple practices like journaling about your first emotional reactions or pausing before responding to situations help reinforce this internal dialogue. Over time, these small acts create a stronger bond with your inner voice, making it louder and more reliable. Remember, you don't have to earn the right to trust yourself because that trust never truly disappears. It’s always been inside you; it just needs your attention and nurturing to become your guiding force again. Reflect on what your gut may have been telling you that you've ignored and consider recommitting to honoring those feelings without judgment. This shift, although gradual, can profoundly transform your mental health and day-to-day decisions.
