things i have been struggling to let go of 🗑

💌 a love letter to myself that was hurt many times for the past year 💌

Hey zesties 💗

I have been mia for abit because lots of things happened this year+last.. lots of chaos and lots of things that kept looping in my mind.

Today i'm writing them to let go of them so that I can move on into who I actually wanna grow into.

Its gnna get pretty vulnerable.

I have been putting off expressing myself for the last few months because lots of truamatic things kept happening that made me felt like I have to stay small.

But i kinda have to move past it because theres something I reallllly wanna do and this fear of getting hurt and being seen again has been holding me back alot.

well... the following are some lessons I have learnt from the situations I went through.

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📝Lessons that hurt alooot📝

💬 Lesson 1 A lesson of self worth 💬

I dated lots of poopy men the past year that made me feel small.

But they were all teaching me the same lessons. Tbh its insane how they were the same people but in different bodies. Wellll they were almost all avoidant and started making me feel smaller for being me instead of just accepting me.

And for some reason, I listened to them I thought I was too much.

📝 Lesson I learnt here:

You are valued no matter who you are. Their capacity to love you does not reflect your self worth. More often than not they just have no capacity to hold your love and who you are.

eg... imagine you are a branded bag in a store, does the branded bag question itself because no one can afford it? Its value doesnt decrease even when many can't afford it.

There will always be someone out there that matches your frequency. So if you ever meet someone that makes you feel small, simply leave. i wld say this nowadays, cus the guys I was with were all super mean tbh: "I never tied you with silver chains so why dont you simply leave instead of making me feel smol." and whytf u chase me when you have no capacity for love in general 🙄🙄

Now that im in a better place, I'm glad i ran from those red flags asap. I met someone that treats me like a princess but is also my best friend, understands me and actually appreciates who I am, while I do the same for him too, treat him like he's my prince c:

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📝Lesson 2 Trust your gut feelings on someone the first time and f*** being nice to people that don't deserve it

Well, this might be a long one. TDLR I got manipulated by someone to get what she wants and thinking back.. some people are really pure evil. I didn't like her since the start but she was my friend's friend.

Well she told me she wanted to enter a competition in a hackathon. At first she just wanted to use my school email since it was just for *uni students* and she was dropping out of hers. I just thought ok since shes my friend's friend. Then slowly she asked if she could use my idea on mental health. I said okay but shes on her own because I was busy with exams. And then... eventually We won and I had to prep for the pitch anyway since it was my idea. annnd she got a bigger cut of the prize money since she did more work code wise which i didnt mind.

What scarred me was, when I told her since the start I couldnt make time for this due to exams she started putting down all my achievements, bullying me and calling me names - which was immature af. Anyw in the end i still rushed it out 🙃

Even suggested selling off my idea to some corporation when that was never what I intended..??!! 🙄

But yea there were many other disturbing red flaggish things but, I cant mention it here due to privacy reasons and also not the point of this post.

📝 But yea lesson here:

Don't be too trusting. annnd yea she kinda ended up ruining my whole clique of friends too, dynamics wise.

Someone once told me.. it doesnt take long for a rotten apple to pollute everyone else and its true even though I truly thought those were my friends for a lifetime.

You dont have to like them if they dont like you annnd just move on the moment someone starts disrespecting you. (Which I shld have done way earlier)

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📝 Lesson 3 Anyone can turn on you anytime, even your closest friend. 📝

Yea I never thought I would go through this because I always go into a friendship or meeting people in general with good intentions or chill vibes annd I give my all in my friendships.

BuuT yea that human above kinda changed the group dynamics and bent all their moral values and it just made known to me how I have out grown my close friend for a long time. Small things did happen throughout the year with that friend that made me (?) but I just brush them off as maybe she's just tired or busy.

tdlr I cant reveal much for privacy reasons but a bad situation happened while we were out. I apologised for it but they still turned on me and the human I mentioned above started bullying me we are all 25+ yo eh and I felt like I was dealing with a secondary school kid.

For a long time I blamed myself but I have come to terms that there wasnt much I could control in that situation. Things like that have happened around the other friends as well and they never got the blame for it because tbh everyone had some fault in those situations.

But yea this traumatised me on a different level, it made me question who I can trust or depend on anymore, after all of them turned on me. And if the same situation were to happened to me I would not have blamed it on any of my friends.. because I would think friends would think the best of/for you no matter what happens, at least thats what I thought but apparently not...

Well lesson here:

things can happen at anytime and people change anytime they want to as well... but its really not in our control. I am still really afraid of making new friends, meeting new people and like what if Im really as bad as they make me seem to be. These things kept haunting me and I had to close myself off for abit to feel a lil safer. 🥹 But yea I just told myself they just aren't aligned with me anymore annd I would do better on my own than remaining small just to fit in with them.

Being with my current partner has slowly healed my nervous system from all these past truamas and I'm so grateful for him coming into my life.

aNYWAY im so done being small and f*** negative and truly bad humans 🙃

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SoO thats all im throwing away and closing for this chapter of my life while I move on to the next 📚

I just wanna continue to bring light into the world (with my passion project @/souful_app) but I'm also not perfect. I make mistakes sometimes, I need space sometimes and may have been not the best human to some. However I stick by being genuine and authentic in any situation.

From me continuing to choose this journey, to speak up, to share, to be vulnerable, I hope that I would slowly attract the deeper souls, people that see the nuances, people that have been hurt before but still choose to love anyway.

And also.. a way to let others know that you are a complex human, you can be angry sometimes, bad sometimes, rebellious sometimes and sometime things just simply happen. But take the lesson and let it go, don't hang on to the hurt anymore, just like how Im writing all these to be unfiltered and let it all go too :3

You are just on earth for a human experience.. to stay stuck is to just stay in your ego annnd life is too short to just live one repeated story and staying stuck foreverrr whether its your fault or not. go live your lives to the fullest and dont let the haters drag u down c:

So if you have read till here, thank you so much for reading and stay tune for more of my unfiltered thoughts - or life lessons 💗

If there's one lesson to take away from this... let things go when they are not serving you anymore. Only then you can grow.

📓 Side note:

This book is great!! The author went through a similar betrayal related to people(coming from another monk?!), he really spoke to me.

When things don't go your way - Haemin Sunim

xoxo

tiny 🐧

#MyPOV #deeptalk #selfdevelopment #lifelesson