A bamboo forest from the king with donkey’s ear

Speaking English gives me a sense of freedom, it helps me express things I can’t always say in my first language. It makes me to be completely honest without thinking all of the social manners, cultural expectations, saving my face and I can be direct enough to express what my true feelings are. For the past three years Ive had to face deep lonliness and If I had to choose a reason why that would be the guilt I carry from my grandparents passing. I felt weak, powerless and like I was a horrible granddaughter to two beautiful souls. I still feel ashamed. Maybe I should feel lucky that eventually I found a reason to live independently to face myself and earn some sad facts or ugly truth. And in some way I did. I thought I was learning something through this journey but instead I often felt like I was drowning without the skills to come back up. Maybe now I’ve learned how to grab onto something to stay afloat at lteast. - I would say I've learned this for sure.

I wanna give myself a compliment for the life I’ve built here. I’ve met beautiful people who understand all the sides of my personality, I’ve kept up with my daily routines and I have my precious cat here. But also I noticed again how hard it is for me to give myself compliments. I want to give myself a huge hug for making it this far on my own but even then I hesitate wondering is this a real complement or is these consider as narcissistic or I can’t do complement cause it’s just nothing. It’s just small stuff. I thought it's such an Asian thing but actually I met some people like me who can't take complements even just a tiny one like I love your blush or I love how you speak to other people, they just twisted their body and said idk what I should say like taking complement is so hard it's so lame and I was like omg yes girl me too. So I guess it's just some personalities.

Back to the story, this morning I chatted with AI and asked why I feel sad and treated unfairly in every relationship. It said I tend to over give but under recieve. But who knows maybe even my question came only from my own perspective. AI has to remember listen both side before they say something. Anyway I confessed a lot to AI about my jealousy, my comparisons, the dissatisfaction that sometimes I feel with my life. I constantly compare myself to others and created some weird anxiety, sometimes I don’t even know where this anxiety comes from, but that can completely take over my body and soul sometimes. In my head I know I shouldn’t be like this but maybe it’s just human nature. Or maybe I need to spend more time meditating. Or maybe, my family used to be the fuel that helped me to be myself but now I have to create that fuel all by myself. OR this is just one of "the breaking chapter" in my 100 year life. I hope some day the moment will come and I'll be able to say like oh yeah those years were so freaging hard but those time made me better. I often unconsciously overshare personal stories with people. I fear that I might accidentally say something that expose the ugly side of my mind. It’s hard to fix and I have no clue to fix it, to be honest sometimes I wanna stich my mouth and say to myself shut up girl. I hope these are not only my problem or else I’ll feel like omg I really have a problem like weird one (I just wrote it down as a side note something to ask AI again later) AI is like a modern day mental counselor and whatever it says, I’ll use it as a bamboo forest to say things that I would hide from others. Writing is mazing activity. I felt shit few hours ago but now I can finally breathe and hold my heart again. I gained some energy now so I'll just go forward cause that's what I can do now