the helper that we sent away (part 4 - final)
Hello friends!
Sorry for the “late reply” haha, went on a family road trip (just me and hubs and the 2 toddlers) so it was practically warzone. I fell sick during the trip and still trying my body best to recover. 🫠😷
So back to the story… the moment she came teary-eyed to me, I almost wanted to tear up too, because of the built up tensions, emotions and anxiety + worries, and also because I felt bad for her, especially if the missing $200 was none of her business.
Well, we couldn’t confirm since there was no evidence, so I also felt really bad about the possibility of pinning the blame on someone innocent. Sadly, till today, we don’t know what happened to the $200 and where it went.
I took a deep breath and said… “Okay, let’s forget about this whole money thing and see how we can make everything better.”
And I was quite serious about it. I did feel a weight lift off my shoulder and chest after that decision, actually.
So I tried to be more patient with her and told myself to properly teach her things, since I also just left my corporate job and had more time at home now. I cannot remember now what those were, but I taught her to cook a few more dishes.
One of the days, when I took out my sewing machine to try to fix some clothes, she was very interested and came over to see see. It’s the first time I see her eyes light up about something, so I realised “ahhh she does like something!”
I asked her if she learned sewing before and if she knows how to use this sewing machine, she said she worked in a factory before, and that she doesn’t know how to use my particular one.
Interesting… I asked her how long she worked at the factory for, she said “4 months”, because “the salary no good”. I was surprised we could understand each other so well here, and then I realised we were talking about money.
Ya ah, omg! Every time we talk about money, she can express herself very well, but then when it comes to daily things or more basic instructions, we struggle to understand each other despite using tools like translation and even body language. The contrast adds on to my frustration with this language barrier issue.
First was the missing $200, when she was trying to explain herself. Second was when I asked about her past employment experience, she said she don’t want to continue in UAE, and come to Singapore for more money. Third was this sewing factory job thing.
A part of me felt a bit cheated (?) and frustrated because how come she can speak so well when it’s got to do with money but cannot understand basic instructions!!!
Anyway… the 2nd last straw for me was finding out she has MOTION SICKNESS. She has to send the kids to school with me by bus every morning, and I didn’t realise this until 2 weeks or so after she joined us - she would be feeling and looking so ill every Saturday that she has to rest at home. Swipe to 2nd pic for her unwellness on the bus 🥴
At first, I couldn’t believe it, like huh??? But she did look very sick and pale at times. So I clarified with her when she feels motion sickness - on car? on bus? on train? From the very little communication we are able to establish, I understood that on the MRT she feels a little (?) and bus she feels more sick.
To me, this was quite a non-negotiable trait that I never thought of before - because if she doesn’t even feel well herself on these school runs, how can she put the safety of my kids first?
The very last straw for me was her inability to effectively communicate with my toddlers. I’m not sure if it’s her personality (more reserved, quiet, passive) or her lack of ability/fluency to speak english/chinese, but she was not able to command the respect of my 2 kids, sadly.
1. My boy always hits her (yknow, as toddlers do… to test boundaries and their motor skills) and she doesn’t say “stop” or “no”. In fact, she still smiles/laughs, and just dodges. This makes him feel like she’s playing with him, so he does it even more. I’ve told her multiple times to tell him to STOP but she just keeps mum about it. So I have to be the one who kept asking him to stop and “no hitting”.
2. My girl was so easily angry and short-tempered that time because auntie couldn’t understand what she was trying to say or what she wants. She was screaming all the time and I kept having to ask her to stop and speak nicely to auntie - while understanding her frustration tbh lol
The incident that pushed me over the edge and finally decided to throw the towel was this: T was helping to shower my 3yo girl, and apparently she was drinking the shower water (not the first time, but we have told her many times that the water there is NOT for drinking) and T couldn’t stop her. So T left my girl in the bathroom and came to ask me for help - I was breastfeeding didi in the room so I asked her to “look for sir”. She then went to find my husband, who was taking a shower in the master bathroom and couldn’t hear her.
She had no choice but to return to my girl and figure it out herself.
That same night, I knew there was no going back. This concerns basic safety and if she’s not able to take control or manage the situation, then it’s not adding any value to our family, but rather, it adds another layer of worry when she’s “in charge”.
I messaged the agent to figure out the next steps like how to send her back, how does the replacement work, etc etc. Took some time to get all the answers we need (sigh) but that’s another story.
Within 5 days, we sent her back - technically supposed to give the agency 7 days notice, but we couldn’t take it anymore.
Building up to the day itself was quite overwhelming for me, as I’m generally non-confrontational and also an empath so I will feel what she feels… and I know it’s gonna be hard.
On that day, my husband took the morning off to do it with me, and luckily, he took it upon himself to make the announcement.
“T, we need to tell you something. We will send you back to the agency and they will help you find a new employer, and we will also find a new helper. Because we are not very suitable”
I saw tears welling up in her eyes, but her expression was pretty poker face. She quietly moved into her room with us following (just a last chance to witness anything), and packed up all her things.
We brought her straight to the agency and signed the paperwork to return/transfer her (sorry it’s all a blur now lol). On the train there, she suddenly mentioned her toiletries are still in the bathroom - oops! dang, I still have to bring them back to her (my honest thoughts haha)
Actually, I felt quite emotional walking away from the agency, but I just prayed that she finds somewhere she can do well, and also that there is a family out there who will suit her and find her good.
But of course, if she’s the culprit behind the missing $200… then may karma get to her in time. 😬
Okay that’s the end of the story, woohoo! Thanks for reading the longggggg grandmother story if you finished all 4 parts!
Let me know if you’d like to know the costs involved in this whole ordeal and the processes to return a helper to the agency.
We did manage to get back a portion of the money, but definitely it still costed us quite a bit…
Hope nobody has to go through this ever, and may all agencies be running their business with Integrity, Compassion and with Heart so all matches can be good matches.
Also, praying that this is our first and last negative experience with a helper. Thank you, Universe. 🙏🏼✨
Till next time,
Beoz
Having cared for a domestic helper myself, I deeply resonate with the challenges shared here. Communication is often the biggest hurdle—especially when financial discussions reveal fluency, but basic daily instructions get lost in translation. It highlights how money-related topics may motivate helpers to engage more, but everyday tasks require patience and creative communication strategies. Interestingly, motion sickness is rarely discussed but crucial to consider when choosing a helper, especially if they need to commute with children daily. A helper who feels ill frequently could compromise child safety unintentionally, as seen in this story. When I hired a helper who also suffered from similar issues, we had to adjust schedules and routes to make her travel more comfortable, ultimately protecting the kids and maintaining harmony. This story also touches on the importance of assertiveness and authority in managing young children. A helper unable to set boundaries can inadvertently encourage undesirable behavior from toddlers, increasing parental stress. I found that gradual training with clear expectations, role-playing, and positive reinforcement helped my helper gain confidence in managing such behaviors. The emotional toll on employers and helpers alike is real and often underestimated. The author’s empathy and honest recounting of difficult decisions provide valuable insights for families considering domestic help. It’s important to prepare for the challenges ahead and communicate openly with agencies about expectations, capabilities, and special needs such as language skills or health conditions. Finally, the unresolved issue of the missing $200 adds a layer of mistrust that can significantly impact the employer-helper relationship. Transparency, trust-building, and verification mechanisms are vital in maintaining a healthy working environment. While unfortunate, experiences like these underscore the importance of due diligence and ongoing dialogue with agency support. I hope more families and agencies learn from such experiences and prioritize integrity, compassion, and proper matching, ensuring all parties benefit from a positive and supportive relationship.
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