Feelin like a loaded baked potato: hot & fat
Real talk. I feel fat.
I’ve never really struggled with my weight. It was actually something I was proud of, because even though I struggled with my body image, the scale would always have my back, saying “I know you *feel* fat, but the number says you’re not”. It helped me combat the inner negative talk about my body and feel a little less self-conscious.
I vividly remember the very first time I started looking at my body through the lens of others. I don’t remember exactly how old I was, but I do know I was younger than 10.
***
“Turn to the side,” my dad said.
Reluctantly, I turned, with the right side of my body directly facing him, as he sat on the couch. My stepmom now stood a short distance behind me.
“You need to work on that a little bit,” motioning to my midriff.
I turned back towards my dad and was genuinely confused. I looked to my stepmom— who was now to my right— for some sort of gesture, or explanation. All I received was a forced smile.
I felt a rush of embarrassment. I wasn’t even sure why in that moment, but I immediately felt like everything I was doing was wrong. All I knew was that my body needed to be different than it was right then, and I didn’t know how to make that happen. It has now been years, decades even, and every day since that interaction I have struggled with body dysmorphia.
***
Flash forward to the present, I’ve gained 20lbs. Idk exactly when cuz I still had my scale packed in a bin from moving til recently, when I started feeling gross. I’ve been feeling sluggish, ugly, fat, unhealthy, and just not good for the last few months. The only clothes I feel cute in are tight fitting. So I’ve either had to be bummin it or just feeling so self conscious that I don’t even wanna go anywhere. Usually I’m just “bummin it”.
But yesterday was different. I wanted to wear something cute to run errands. I put it on, and I immediately was like “idek why i tried this. I know how i feel in tight clothing.” But after looking in the mirror a few times i was like “wait ok I’m kinda hot”
I struggled with the idea of changing for like 3 minutes, but I ended up wearing the outfit, mostly bc I didn’t have anything baggy enough and cute 😂 I was self conscious a lot of the day, ngl. BUT it was a huge fucking step for me.
I chose to honor my body and decided that it deserved to be shown off no matter what state it’s in. I felt cute and that’s what mattered. Yes, I also felt fat, but I decided to push through on a positive note. My body deserves to be accepted as it is right now.
I’m working on changing it, but I have to appreciate where I am right now to appreciate where I’m going. Feel hot, feel fat, love yourself, disgust yourself, gawk in the mirror, cringe in the mirror, fucking do it all.
Duality is literally life. So there’s your permission to live <3
Body image struggles are common, and many people find themselves grappling with mixed feelings about their appearance. Cultivating body positivity involves acknowledging these feelings and understanding that it’s natural to feel both attractive and insecure at different times. Studies show that body dysmorphia can often stem from societal pressures, leading individuals to have an unrealistic view of their bodies. The importance of self-compassion cannot be overstated. Learning to appreciate your current state, while working towards health goals, creates a balanced mindset. Engage in activities that promote body confidence, such as positive affirmations and wearing clothes that make you feel good, regardless of weight. Empowerment comes from within, and feeling good in your skin is a journey worth taking. Celebrate every step forward and embrace the duality of loving yourself at every stage. Remember, you are not alone in this journey, and it's okay to feel a range of emotions about your body.
