Before I knew what narcissistic abuse was, I did actual research trying to understand why my late narcissistic mother was the way she was.
She was born in Italy during ww2 while my grandfather was out at war, so that’s already fucked up.
Then after the war they immigrated to Argentina but then the government got overthrown in the 50’s so they went back to Italy and then eventually to Canada so yeah sure that has to be pretty traumatic.
And yup, I spent a lot of time thinking about what happened to her.
I can understand why someone who experienced all this instability and crazy shit in their childhood could develop certain coping mechanisms.
I can have all the compassion in the world for that.
But does this make it ok that she abused me?
Does this make it ok that she freeloaded off her parents and tried to scam her brother out of his share of the inheritance and end up with not a whole lot in the end because it all went to lawyer fees over 10 years of her trying to scam the system and i eventually had to clean it up when she died because my name was on the legal documents and I had no idea and I could’ve gotten into legal trouble if I didn’t?
Does this make it ok that she decided in her mid 40’s to take advantage of her one final egg and bring me into the world to use as a pawn against her divorce from my father even though she never really wanted kids and would remind me of this all the time and say she should’ve aborted me?
Does this make it ok that I spent my childhood and a good portion of my adulthood managing the consequences of choices I didn’t make?
Or - hear me out - can it be that yes, she went through some crazy shit in her life but she was still responsible for all the fuckery she did as an adult who should’ve known better?
Exactly.
And should I start treating people like shit because I had a bad childhood?
Or do I, as an adult, somehow automatically know better than to ruin another person’s life without having had to read some kind of instruction manual or religious book and just… not abuse people?
Idk it’s been pretty easy not being abusive, maybe something’s wrong with me LOL.
Growing up with a narcissistic parent, especially one who experienced significant trauma themselves, often leaves deep emotional scars that affect adulthood in many ways. From my experience, understanding the background—such as the instability caused by war, immigration, and family turmoil—helps cultivate compassion, but it’s vital to separate that compassion from excusing harmful behaviors. People frequently confuse empathy with tolerance for abuse, but recognizing trauma as a root cause does not mean tolerating the consequences. One key insight I have learned is that narcissistic abuse often involves emotional manipulation designed to maintain control over children or family members. Traits like people-pleasing become survival mechanisms tightly programmed in the nervous system during childhood. While this may have been a necessary adaptation, healing requires unlearning these patterns and rebuilding a sense of self independent of the abuser’s influence. It’s essential to hold narcissistic parents accountable. They may have endured hardships, but as adults, they made choices with knowledge and opportunity to do better. Their struggles do not grant them exemption from responsibility, nor should their past justify the damage done. In recovery groups and online communities such as #narctok and #adultchildrenofnarcissists, many find strength in sharing stories and validating their pain without minimizing it. Healing is a complex process. It includes confronting difficult emotions like resentment and grief, setting firm boundaries to protect oneself from ongoing toxicity, and sometimes forgiving—not to excuse the abuse but to free oneself from the ongoing weight of anger. Therapy, self-reflection, and support groups are invaluable tools in this journey. Remember, having a traumatic upbringing doesn’t mean one must replicate those patterns of abuse. As adults, we can choose a different path—one of respect, kindness, and personal accountability. It’s a challenging but empowering shift that validates the pain endured while fostering growth beyond it.
