The depression diaries - Post #1
Hmm...where do I start with this one? Alright, so I've been dealing with MDD for about a year or two now. It....hasn't been fun. I'm not sure if it's gotten worse lately because of the change in seasons, but it's getting worse. I realized it was becoming a problem when I noticed I was spending my weekends sleeping in all day. Life is pretty boring when you have no friends and nothing to do besides work all the time. So I've decided to start pushing myself to leave the house more often. Even if it's just for a bit.
It started with me going to my local mall and visiting the Marshalls/Homegoods store. From there I'd basically just go to places that I liked, like dollar tree, five below, Tjmaxx. I'm a simple girl. The idea was for me to start getting out again and actually getting comfortable being on my own. I feel like people who dont suffer from mental illness, dont get it, and it's fine. To you, it may seem like I'm being a little b*tch, but to me....it's a lot. I'm socially awkward, have anxiety, and now depression. So I'm not the most outgoing person right now.
Today, I went a step above just going out to stores (Kind of). I woke up early, went and got my hair cut and got something different than the usual. I then went to get my eyebrows done, and I realized that all eyes were on me since I had no makeup on, I look like I'm dying, and my acne is suddenly becoming visible again but I said "Fuck it, let's keep going." My next stop after was the gym. I have been so in my feelings about my weight. I use to be really skinny in hs, but that was over 10 years ago and the pressures/struggles of adult life have not been good to me.
I was on a roll last year. I was going to the gym 2-3 time a week, I was losing some weight (Not at the rate I would have wanted, but still). Then....I relapsed and began stress eating again. Sometime around July, I switched gyms and I like the new one I go to...but I've only gone once on my own and a couple times with a friend. I dont know why, but I am so terrified of going by myself. I think I personally overthink it. I get in my head about what other people will think of me, how fat I must look to them and what not. Today however, I pushed myself to go on my own. I'm slowly working to get used to going but the first step is ACTUALLY going in the first place. I decided to put my headphones in and motivate myself in my own head whenever I felt like giving up. It was actually a good session. I was probably there for an hour & a half.
I then went home to shower and do my skin care routine. I might go buy groceries later but we'll see. Regardless, I'm proud of myself for trying to get out of the house and taking care of myself in small ways. So if you are also dealing with mental health issues such as anxiety or depression, I understand how you feel and I encourage you to also push yourself out of your comfort zone...at least just a little bit. 🤏
#Depression diaries
For what it's worth, whenever I see bigger folks at the gym, I'm always happy for them for getting out and doing something good for themselves. We all have to start somewhere! I never think negatively of bigger people at the gym.