The depression diaries - Post #5
She just doesn't understand. I don't act the way I use to, not because I'm lazy but because I feel like something in me disappeared, like my sense of being. At the start of the year, I was at a job I hated more than anything else in this world, but I was trying to make it work...at the expensive of my sanity/mental health. I was in a new relationship with someone who I genuinely loved, after being in a 2 year relationship with someone who mentally abused me and left me feeling broken...I had a work friend who could relate to my mental health issues because she also had her fair share. Things weren't great but they were different than how they are now.
Now I'm at a job I like, despite knowing it's a dead end job for me. I'm single, but wanting to find love one day....have a work friend (but it's not the same), have given up on healing my struggling mental health all completely and feel so lonely. I'm just taking it one day at a time. While the people around me are getting promoted, married, or having their 2nd or 3rd kid. Compared to them, I have none of those things going for me, and at the age that I am at....it kind of hurts to think about. I didn't grow up in a warm & loving household. Dysfunctional was all I knew. My parents didn't know what to do with each other, let alone me growing up. I live at home still, but it's not like in books or movies. Half the time, my mom and I can't stand each other and the only reason why I haven't left is because of my sisters. They need to have some what of a parental figure in their lives, that's where I guess I come in.
But lately, it's been more of a struggle. I can't wake up early in the mornings anymore. No matter how hard I try. I make it to work late and am lucky that I haven't been fired yet. When I'm at work, I can't stay focused. But I'm trying my damn hardest, because I also contribute to paying my family's bills along with my own. I cry at my desk when the pressure gets to me. Everyday is a struggle, especially because I've been dealing with depression for about 4 years now.
This wasn't the life I expected having because I honestly didn't expect to live this long. Now that I have lived to be 28, I don't have a plan, goals, or dreams...those faded away a long time ago. I feel like an empty shell of a human, just existing to exist. Which makes me feel more guilty than anyone will ever know. So it's not laziness. Yet, laziness is all my mother knows how to say to me. I try to be understanding as she faced her own abuse with my father for most of her adult life. Never having any goals or dreams of her own. But for me, it hurts. It hurts knowing that nothing I do will ever be good enough for her. It hurts knowing that no one will ever love me for who I am, but at the same time I have nothing to offer someone who were to fall in love with me except loyalty. It hurts to know that people I work with see me as incompetent.
Depression isn't laziness! it's not I don't do things because I don't feel like it for no reason. It's, I don't do things because I LITERALLY have no motivation to do it. It's I'm forcing myself out of bed, struggling to get dressed, heading out the door and doing something anything with my life. Which is the hardest thing ever. It's some days, I'm fine and the next I'm spiraling all over again. It's also, I want to be happy because I once remember a time I once was but don't know how to get to that point of time, again.
#freewriting
Depression is often misunderstood by those who haven't experienced it firsthand. Many people mistakenly label it as laziness, but it's far deeper and more complex than that. This diary entry highlights the multifaceted nature of depression — from a loss of identity and motivation to the impact of past trauma and dysfunctional family relationships. Living with depression means navigating through fluctuating emotions where some days may bring a momentary sense of well-being, while others plunge you into profound despair. The struggle to get out of bed, maintain focus at work, or interact with loved ones can feel overwhelming. Mental health challenges like these often affect one's self-worth and relationships, leading to isolation and loneliness even when surrounded by others. It's important to understand that depression is not a choice or a sign of weakness. It involves chemical imbalances in the brain and is influenced by life circumstances and past experiences. Compassion, patience, and support are key components for anyone helping someone who is struggling. Therapy, medication, and community support groups can provide avenues for healing, but recovery is often a non-linear process. Additionally, growing up in a dysfunctional or abusive household can leave lasting emotional scars that complicate mental health recovery. For many, caregiving roles within the family add an extra layer of responsibility and stress. Recognizing these complex dynamics helps create a more empathetic and supportive environment. If you or someone you know is dealing with depression, remember that it’s okay to seek help and that you are not alone. Small steps toward self-care, finding understanding companions, and professional guidance can gradually restore hope and motivation. Authentic stories like this diary post shine a light on what living with depression truly feels like and encourage more open conversations about mental health. #livingwithdepression #mentalhealthawareness #support #healingjourney
